Bleeech Friday

this is the 1st Black Friday i've worked in about 6 years and, lemme tell you: never again.

my tradition of taking off, the day after Thanksgiving, dates back to my days in retail. See, for those of you who don't know, i was a retail whore for close to ten years. The Staten Island Mall was my stomping ground, and i worked the corner of a Ma & Pop suit store (where i spent nearly 9 years) and Sam Goody, throughout college and beyond. looking back with the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia, smeared with the vaseline of being a corporate/finance drone, i can honestly say that those were good days; the hours were great, the pay was good (well above minimum wage) and i liked the people. Black Friday was the high holy day of retail, which meant a guaranteed open-to-close work day for senior staffers and commission on the sales you made (or those "given" to you by the cashiers). Black Friday set the tone for entire Christmas Season, and its psychotically frenzied atmosphere was a harbinger of the crazy days which lasted till New Year's Eve. it was not at all uncommon for the hours to fly by like minutes, leaving you hungry and thirsty because you'd skipped both breakfast and lunch. it was glorious.

the meaning of Black Friday changed, post-retail. sure i'd haul out the Christmas CD's and start writing out cards, but it also meant i didn't have to work, to make money. joining corporate america meant "paid vacation days" and what better way to use one than to give oneself a 4 day weekend following a bi-annual schlepp to Long Island*? after our 1st Thanksgiving spent on Long Island, i realized that getting home close to midnight and having to get up for work the next day was about as palatable as CawfeeMate's WASP aunt's cooking. There began the tradition of taking off on Black Friday.

Black Friday now took on a new meaning: post-Thanksgiving clean up and Christmas decorating! it was a glorious tradition which went wonderfully smooth, until this year. just like all the previous years, i put my vacation request in on January 2nd and didn't give it a 2nd thought. That is, until K---y, my dimwitted co-worker, came to me in September to let me know she'd be off this week. When i asked her how that was possible, she shrugged and told me that Cunty had granted signed off on her request that day. Apparently, Cunty never put me in for the day; livid does not even begin to explain how i felt.

so, here i am, at work on Black Friday wishing i wasn't. Everybody else in the world seems to be off, but i'm here at my desk (despite the numerous commuting hurdles i had to jump this morning, which got me here half an hour late). it could be worse, though. my office could've had a Door Buster.


*When the huz and i had 1st met, we realized that the holidays would be dicey. Both coming from Italian-American backgrounds, the holidays are a big deal to our mothers; in the interest of fairness, equinimity and to minimize agita, we decided to alternate the holidays: Thanksgiving at Casa Del CawfeeGuyMom, Christmas Eve at Chateau CawfeeMateMom, Christmas Day at Casa Del CawfeeGuyMom, Easter at Chateau CawfeeMateMom; the following year we'd switch (despite my mom swearing we spent all the holidays with my in-laws). on the years we'd spend Thanksgiving with the CawfeeMate family, we'd drive out to Long Island which meant leaving early in the morning and getting home late at night (the drive between LI and SI is nothing but bumper to bumber traffic).

CawfeeGuy Appreciation Day

ok...not really...but yesterday i had my review/interview with Cunty and Zeus and was told , in no uncertain terms, how much i was valued as an employee ("exceptional" was the word they used **pause for applause**).
it made me happy, 'cuz i only hear about it once day a year, for 15 minutes. the rest of the year goes by with my workplace contributions unnoticed or unacknowledged. you'd think after 5 years hear i'd be used to it, but no; i still lap it up and get ferklempt every time they tell me what a great job i'm doing, nodding and thanking them profusely and then stagger back to my desk, reeling from the onslaught of praise. yesterday was no different; by the time i got back to my desk i was almost in tears and barely able to speak. of course that may have been because of the incredibly sweet and unexpected raise and bonus...

Color Me a Hypocrite

due to the fact that our department is understaffed by, about, 5 people*, i have no choice but to come to work tomorrow. on one hand i'm incredibly ashamed by my inability to be that guy; the guy who is willing to risk it for his principles or is able to muster the smallest amount of courage in the name of civil disobedience. my work ethic and sense of "responsibility" to my job** preclude all those feelings, i'm afraid. on the other hand, i live in a state that recognizes our recent canadian nuptials and work for a company that stresses tolerance and recognizes Stephen as my spouse.
So much for being part of a movement.
i'm sorry, all.

*i'm actually alone today as neither K---y nor Cunty are in today, the former having requested the day off last week and the latter deciding last night at 4pm that she wasn't coming in.
**K---y is scheduled to be off tomorrow and if i called out, that would leave Cunty alone.

Work Me Goddammit II

i've been a bit lax in my posting, but please forgive me; Merlin is out of the office this week, which means yours truly is left to pick up the brunt of his slack. it's weird because the things he does (which are very few, since most of his stuff was taken away because he couldn't handle it)are split between me and Dumb-Dumb, and they take us 20 minutes to do (but then there are our own job responisbilties which also must get done, in tandem). how he spends 9 hours a day, 5 days a week frantically doing what he does is beyond me. it makes me wanna slap him and shout "It's Not That Serious", even more.

in other news, expect very few and very light posts next week as i'm training for a new job. i'll be working more closely under Cunty in her section (she's the manager of 2 sections in the same department; it's all very Finance, "that's not my area"). the last few weeks i've been training the Very Sweet but Dull and Spineless Supervisor, who was demoted, to do my job and he's been training his replacement, this fabulous girl from Cunty's section who I'm replacing. got it?

the upshots are new work, new responsiblities, new desk, and no more Merlin or Dumb Dumb! yes they'll be a few desks away but i won't need to deal with them directly! it's very exciting in a sad "Corporate America has broken my spirit and all i have to look forward to is learning something new and switching my seat" kinda way.

whatever. don't rain on my parade.

Disgruntled Employee of the Month

i was called into Zeus' office on thursday and told, point blank, that my attitude sucks and that it better change. no explanation...no rationalization...just "change".

i let it marinate over the weekend and yesterday, and finally asked Cunty what the hell that means.

campbell's soup version: i'm short with people; "here's your answer, end of story".

i guess if i didn't feel like i'm the only one, around here, who works (when i'm not blogging, of course), answering all the phones and the stupid questions, supervising when the actual supervisor can't find his balls or his brain, i'd be less "short".

Where Everybody Knows Your Extension

Cunty thinks it would be swell if we all went out for a drink to unwind and relieve stress, at the bar on the corner. personally, i'd like to be locked in a steel cage with an aluminum bat and a few of my co-workers, with a gubernatorial pardon waiting for me upon exiting...but that's just me.

Wicked Hangover

we finally saw Wicked last night, thanks to a very generous Christmas gift from mom, and all i can say is wow. really, that's all i can say, but only because i'm so fucking tired i can hardly type.
knowing we'd be out till well past midnight, i took off today; sadly that was not to be. Dum-Dum's mother passed away yesterday and in a delirious moment of sympathy i told Cunty i'd come in rather than leave the department short. 12 hours later, at 2:30 am, when we finally got home (8 pm show + subway problems + dinner in Chelsea + a ferry ride), i was severely regretting my decision. now, i'm regretting it even more as i try and pry my eye lids open with toothpicks and coffee...

a Work Conundrum

i've now been offered the supervisor's position, in my department, three times.

it's quite a coup considering that i've only been here since 2004, and came into this job with no experience whatsoever. i know i'm well suited for the job (despite some minor deficiencies in operational know-how which could probably be overcome in a week's worth of training), and that it would eventually lead to further promotion, raises (taking the job now, however, would not come with a raise additional to the sizable one i received before christmas) and eventually a set of initials after my name. the problem is i have absolutely no desire to do the job.

taking the promotion would mean infinitely more stress, since i'd have a staff (with the exception of 2 people) of completely useless individuals under me (namely, Merlin and Dingbat). it would mean a minimum of 10 more hours a week, on top of the 50 i already put in. as i've mentioned before, i thoroughly dislike this industry; i find it soulless and empty. taking the promotion would also mean that i now consider this my career. i don't know if i'm ready to acknowledge that this is where i'm going to retire from.

i look at my supervisor's supervisor (Cunty) and i cringe; yes she's stunning and has a beautiful house and car, but she's miserable; with a bleeding ulcer, an almost non-existent personal life and two beautiful Yorkies whom she never sees. is that what i want?

It Could Be Worse, It Could Be Raining...Oh...Wait...

i will not let the events which took place earlier this week get me down. Truth to be told, it was just wednesday which was like a complete and total kick in the balls...

1. the rain really got to me. i left the house looking fabulous; loved my outfit, loved my hair, loved the whole package. i arrived at work looking like i'd been pushed into the pool and then thrown down a steep hill.
2. getting to work late really chafed me; i'm usually here by 7:15 (even though i'm supposed to start at 9); getting here at 8:30 threw me into a complete tailspin and kept me behind for the entire day.
3. i was given someone else's desk to check up on; apparently she's a complete fuck up and needs constant monitoring and i was told that because i'm "very smart and organized", that i was the one to monitor her (despite having no idea how her job is done).
4. before i left i was hauled into Zeus' office with my supervisor (Snarky) and his supervisor (Cunty), to be screamed at for 10 minutes, because of two errors from last month (i totally deserved to be balled out for it, but i was having a helluva day and it really didn't help). the last words spoken were "next time one of you gets fired".
5. the ride home was just as fun as the ride in; it took two hours instead of the usual hour and a half and there was no a/c.
6. i couldn't find my Weight Watchers tracking info (i've been looking since, and am now convinced it's lost forever) and they couldn't find any of their records for me. i was weighed, nonetheless, and if i remember last week's number correctly, i gained a pound (this didn't bother me nearly as much as it could have, only because who really expects to lose weight the week of their birthday).

yesterday was morbid afterglow from Wednesday. i was feeling stressed and angry and terribly depressed.

it's friday and i'm determined to have a better day, even if it kills me.

the Road to Hell Is Paved...

some ideas really should never fruition....they should never make it past the "talking it through" stage; ideas like couture for babies ("La Croix...baby spew...La Croix...baby spew"), water with added caffeine (caffiene dehydrates you...what's the point of adding it to water?), shows like Cop Rock, and George Bush Sr's failure to pull out.

another such bad idea is attempting to set up friends.

remember Cunty? i've mentioned her before in other posts; but a few months ago, she and her long term boyfriend broke up. she's now looking to date again. coincidentally, stephen has an acquaintance at work (a young latin doctor) who's also just broken up with his long term girlfriend. thinking that no woman in her right mind would turn down a cute, young, latin doctor and no cute, young, latin doctor would turn down a beautiful and successful italian girl, Stephen we thought they should get together. once again, what sounds good on paper doesn't always work in reality. just remember What's Happening Now.

after talking both parties up to the other, he called her last night to disastrous results. getting the story second from Cunty herself, it started out ok. they exchanged vitals and talked about their not too distant relationships. then, apparently there was a lull, and it all blew up. he told her that he had five questions he needed to ask before they met:
#1 Do you like sex?
#2 What was the last book you read?
#3 Name 5 things in your bedroom.
#4 What sort of dynamic do you have with your father?
#5 Do you smoke pot?

strangely enough, i understand what he was going for; it was an ice-breaker/getting-to-know-you exercise. i get it, i just think it's bizarre. if you want to know those sort of things, you work them into the conversation, you don't play the home version of Family Feud. it was all downhill from there when, finding that she didn't have a similar list to ask him, he began to spout off random facts like that he's "married to" his mother, he loves sex with women (especially tasting them) and that he masturbates when he smokes.

mortified does not even begin to explain how i felt. suffice to say, this was not a love connection.

***2:25 pm Update***
for those of you who feel Dr. Feelgood got a bad rap, can i pass along his e-mail address to you?

TNG 2.0: Abracadabra

yup. i've got another guy to train to do my job. just like the last time, his training...his very presence...fills me with a certain sense of uneasiness and trepidation. call me paranoid, but my 1st thought is that i am training my replacement.

now, logically, i know this isn't the case. i'm good at my job and my managers/supervisors all know it. i'm efficient and accurate, punctual and have only called in sick once. i'm pretty sure my job is safe, but y'never know...

anyway, back to the NEW new guy who we'll call Merlin because...well...his side job is Stage Magician. i kid you not.

he's very sweet and, i'm starting to suspect, might be very mildly retarded. he worked at another brokerage firm before this one and did the same job i'm doing now...more or less...so that shows you exactly how much brains it takes. in the plus column, he's catching on a helluvalot quicker than the other New Guy i attempted to train (click on the label below for a full rundown), who sits two desks away from me; doing the job i was promised. i bear him i no malice though, as he sits right next to Cunty, and i'm pretty sure that if i was in his place i'd smash her fingers in a desk drawer. also, Merlin seems able to type with most of his fingers, though not all. that's already light years ahead of TNG.

my hope is that Merlin really grasps the ins and outs of my desk quickly. i really don't think that i have the strength to train a third person. also, if this one doesn't work out i think the bosses will start to question my ability to teach...

This is a Test...This is Only a Test...Pt.2: Really Real

the phone rang at 4:12 am, then it went dead. 10 minutes later it rang again.
this time it was my mother.
We've achieved BABY.
this is not a drill.

i stayed in bed for another 20 minutes, debating with myself, then got dressed and came to work an hour early (6am). did i mention that i'm stuck in NJ all this week? yeah.

as soon as i get all my shit together i'm outta here...

***7am Update***
i can't leave till 1pm.
Cunty doesn't wanna piss of Zeus by asking for me to leave earlier than that.

per my mother: they're breaking her (sis-in-law) water. she's in pain but dozing on and off.
this may take a while...

***9am Update***
per my dad: they're inducing labor now.

***11:45 Update***
my dad just called crying. the most i could make out was that she's going in for a C-section.
i called my mom, but my good friends at Verizon couldn't give us a clear enough signal for me to find out anything more..

**5:19 update***
Francesca Angelica L-------a was born at 12:58pm...6lbs 15oz 18 1/2" long.
mom is fine.
dad is beaming.
the uncles are going shopping...

***next day update**
she's adorable! brown as a nut with a thick black faux-hawk, she looks like a little wizened Troll doll...only cuter! as soon as Nazi nurses allow it, i'll take a couple of phone-pics and post them here.

This is a Test...This is Only a Test...

stephen called me during the day, yesterday to say he was leaving work because he felt terribly ill. he was there when i got home, at 7, curled up on the couch watching Diamonds Are Forever for the 12th time, on Spike (i think it's the ambiguously gay hitmen). i ran out and picked up some sick-boyfriend-provisions (Apple juice, Ginger Ale, Pastina and Chicken Broth), came home and made him a light supper (of the pastina and broth), made myself some popcorn and then we settled down to watch Buffy and Angel when the phone rang. my sister-in-law was in labor.

i deliberated whether or not go to the hospital, but then felt so guilty (that i'd not been there when my niece was born) that i went. since he was in no shape to leave the house, stephen stayed behind. i called Cunty and let her know i may not be in today and then sped to the hospital at 70mph, somehow avoiding cops and accidents. ironically i got there 5 minutes before my mom, dad, brother and sister-in-law.

she looked relatively calm and relaxed. didn't appear to be in any pain or discomfort, and even mentioned that she took a shower before she left the house. we were ushered out the waiting area where two of her friends, who'd been called en route, were waiting. 2 hours later, we were told that it was a false alarm. there would be no baby tonight. thank you and good night. don't ask me how one can confuse labor with anything else. my mom commended me on my fantastic response time and promised not to call me again till it was definite that the baby was on its way. i told her to do the exact same thing she did tonight. false alarms don't bother me. i'm poised and ready for the next call.

i got home at midnight; stephen was already in bed. when i woke up this morning he seemed much better (but didn't go to work). hopefully he'll be ok to go to the party tonight.

"Shake.... yourself..... loose (Lift..... your hands) Lift your hands (Come on and lets dance) Come on ...lets dance "~ Shake Yourself Loose [Dynamix & Harmeyer mix] (Cissy Houston)

Brooklyn Welcomes You

i'm back in Brooklyn.
thank god.

i'm at my desk, with my phone, pictures of Stephen and the boys, and my pumpkin that Giggly gave me for halloween. the office is even temperatured and i know the people around me. oh how i missed the dulcet tones of Cunty and Dum-Dum screeching at each other, in their high-pitched steam whistle with a Brooklyn accent caterwauls! it's good to be home.

sadly, i'll be returning to Jersey in a few weeks, but for now i'll bask in the glow of my computer and sip my coffee from the Man-in-the-Box. he's the little Puerto Rican man who has a 6 x 6 steel box from which he sells the best coffee in Downtown brooklyn. i told him how i take my coffee once, two years ago, and now when he sees me it's ready and waiting. we don't speak, except for "thank you", he understands there's no reason to have a chit-chat before 7:30 in the morning. he hands me my coffee and i hand him his $1.25, end of transaction, have a nice day. i'll be honest, even if they built a Starbucks in the building, i'd still go to him just 'cause there's no pressure to speak.

he is reason #459 why i'd rather be working in Brooklyn than New Jersey.

it's Gonna Be One of Those Days

i can tell, already.
there was an over-turned garbage truck on the Garden State Parkway, causing a huge traffic snarl. it took me two hours to get to work. on the way, i was playing the Legend of Zelda on my Gameboy and shut it off without saving, after having played for the entire bus ride.
Cunty asked me what i thought of TNG and i told her point blank that if he had to run the desk by himself today, we'd be in big trouble. i felt bad for about 2 minutes, then he got here, and i realized that it's the truth.
i have this nagging fear that i've wasted the last 4 weeks training him and that i'm going to have to waste another 3 or 4 weeks training someone else...
***mid-afternoon update***
it looks like things with TNG are really up in the air. i feel like a total shit for being honest with Cunty about him. the day is looking much better, though. according to UPS Online Tracking, my MP3 player is waiting for me at home! knowing that and listening to DJ John Michael Presents: Pride (John's 3 disc celebration of Pride 2006) are the only thing pulling me through the day.
***late-afternoon update**
me and my big mouth.
TNG is moving and i'm staying where i am.
the curtian has drawn closed on this drama.
i really did waste the last 4 weeks. now he's going to waste Greasy's time.
so be it.

“Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”~ Robert Heinlein

I'm Sure These Are Completely Unrelated

Leo:Though it will be hard, you've got to stay calm and keep yourself from losing it when things get weird today. If you can keep it together, things will start to get really good really soon.

so, i had a dream last night that the big boss (we'll call him Zeus, since that's who he reminds me of when he's on a tirade) called me into the office and proceeded to scream at me beacuse TNG is still not trained properly. he wanted to know how it was possible that after three weeks he still doesn't know anything, and why i didn't go over Cunty and Brainy's heads and tell him, directly, what a terrible job i think TNG is doing. in the dream i got so angry and frustrated that i started to cry, which made Zeus yell louder and me get more frustrated.

Going Down..?

in my office there's a" coffee club". everyday someone buys coffee for the other people in the club. here's how it works: you get a "free" cup of coffee four days out of the week and then buy for everyone on the fifth day. since i'm the CawfeeGuy (he whose blood is actually espresso) i knew i needed to get in on this action. adding a sixth person, kinda confused things for a while, but now i rotate Fridays with Cunty or if someone is off, i take their day. anyhoo, today was my coffee day.

when i got to the bank of elevator there was nobody else there. i pushed the button to go up and waited with my bags o'coffee. over the next 5 minutes, about 15 other people arrived at the elevator bank. would you believe that every single person pressed the button despite the fact that it was already lit? it seems nobody trusted anyone else's ability to call the elevator. one man actually pressed the button no less than ten times.

"I have an elbow that bends the wrong way, and I'd do things like stand in an elevator and the doors would close, and I'd pretend that my arm had got caught in it, and then I'd scream, 'Ow, ow, put it back!' "~Geena Davis

Dwarfs

looking at Nil's post on the subject, i thought up names for the people I work with...

Cunty
Hoochie
Brainy
Snarky
Alchy
Sassy
Whispery
Dummy
Sissy
Giggly and
Greasy