Test Day: Um...I'm Not Black...I'm SICILIAN...

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh. You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum. Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Boys On the Side

Once upon a time, it was 1970. We were here, queer, outta the closets and in the streets. In the Boys in the Band, we were also on the big screen showing the country "exactly" what it meant to be a Big Apple Faggot: self-mutilating, self-pitying, self-loathing, vain, shallow, hateful and miserable people.

the huz and i sat down last night and watched it, again. i'd seen it once, a number of years ago and he'd seen it a couple of times over the years (and always maintains how much he dislikes it). after 2 viewings, i have to admit: i like the movie. like one of the characters say, halfway in, "it's like watching a car wreck; you don't want to look, but can't look away". i like it the way i like Desperate Housewives and Dynasty: marginally good looking, barely 3 dimensional, people doing awful things to each other while drinking heavily and trading wickedly funny verbal barbs at each other; it's like watching Queer As Folk: the Movie, with that '70's sense of "beautiful" (even ugly, paunchy people, with crooked teeth and bad noses, were sex symbols); and, just like QAF, i'm sure both gay and straight people watched it and took it as gospel truth ("god, how can they call themselves 'gay' when they're so unhappy") but, that's the power of the mass media. i'm also pretty sure it spawned a whole generation of faggots that walked out shaking their heads thinking "if that's what it means to be queer in the city, i'm stayin' in muncie" (if it even made it to muncie) and haven't been heard of or seen since (except in truckstop and department store restrooms).

this movie was the anti-Stonewall.

it's also a wildly entertaining, compelling and thought provoking melodrama and definitely in the Top 10 Must sees of Gay Cinema experiences; if for no other reason than as a reminder of who we were, who we thought we had to be, and who we should never become.

Weekend Re-Do

ok, work's been a little nutty lately, but that doesn't mean i don't care about you, my faithful reader(s). here's the Campbell's Soup version of our weekend...

we were back in Connecticut with MS, Dug and (special guest star) Lady Nil. the puppies frolicked while the adults played Rock Band 2, ad nauseum. who knew that Nil would turn out such an amazing version of Blondie's Call Me? a great time, and massive quantities of food, were had by all. Speaking of food, MS made another kick ass leg of lamb and a Scotch & Cheddar fondue that could make you cry. is it me or is there something truly magical about a steaming hot pot of melted cheese spiked with booze, with chuncks of bread and things to dip in it? i also tried king cake for the 1st time; yummy but sweet, sweet, sweet.

before we left for home, we watched Milk, which really warrants its own post but i will say that it left me feeling terribly affected for the entire day. if you haven't already, please see this movie.

Why Did Nobody Tell Me About This Nugget O' Fabulousness

Produced by and Starring RuPaul.

directed by Mike Ruiz.

Co-Starring the incomparable Candis Cayne and a cast of gay glitterati including Michael Lucas, Ari Gold, Lady Bunny and Sweetie.

if this dvd was any gayer it'd be perfumed.

(at no point did i ever say the movie was good...'cuz it's not...it's actually it's really really not, but there's graphic male frontal nudity and Candis is beyond fierce, so i say give it a whirl)

Most Exciting Pre-Dark Knight Preview

Queer Cinema Double Feature: Somebody Stop Me Before I Rent Again

Once upon a time, in a small neighborhood of Staten Island, my then boyfriend (and now husband) told me that i had a knack/talent/gift for finding the most obscure and dreadful gay and/or lesbian movies in creation (and consequently forcing him to sit through them) from the New York Public Library and Netflix. while the titles and "plots" are long since forgotten, an overall theme emerged: if it was labled as "gay", i'd rent it (or borrow it from the NYPL), without any regard for the number of stars it happened to be given by critics or the viewing public; ironically, given the sheer number of crap we've sat through (estimated total: 300), i still continue to a) rent movies and b) be allowed to rent them. the latest in the dreck parade are Locked Up and Leather Jacket Love Story, which i "found" on Netflix and subjected Stephen to on Sunday evening.

Leather Jacket is a "love story" which takes place somewhere in California, sometime during the last 25 years. for some unknown reason, the entire movies is shot in black and white, which i guess was supposed to add an "art house glam" element, but succeeded only in making the incredibly pale white boys seem paler and the black drag queen/tranny seem blacker. i'm not gonna bore you by pretending to remember the "plot", everything you need to know can be gleaned by looking at the poster. it's really just gratuitous dick shots and light s & m with a splash of story keeping it together (think: the gay Red Shoe Diaries).

As for Locked Up, well all i can say is:
Forbidden love (read: jungle fever miscegenation) in a German prison; let the hijinx ensue! And yes it is in German, so be sure to wear your bifocals, otherwise you'll have no idea how ridiculous the movie really is, and no it's not a comedy.

i sent both back to Netflix yesterday, so we should be getting a couple of more in the mail tomorrow. i'm sure they'll be just as good as these two (lord knows they can't be worse), and will help me maintain my streak of finding the very worst in "gay cinema" (the filmmakers just make it so easy!)

I'm Not Into Leather, but...

3oo makes a really good case for it.

Fucking BRILLIANT (but Transformers was Better)

it has so whetted my appetite for the last book.

Movie Queen

i Y summer blockbusters.

as a matter of fact, the big budget special effects laden movies are one of my favorite parts of the summer (second only to the scantily clad, hairy chested guidos of Staten Island). ever since i was a little kid, and mom and dad drove us out to Long Island to see Empire Strikes Back at the drive-in (remember drive-in movies?), i've been hooked on seeing movies in the summer. i don't know what it is, but summertime movies just feel different. maybe it's watching all the special effects, with the fire and action, in a cold theater and then walking out into the warm balmy NY air, but the movies themselves just seem bigger and more fun, even when they're awful.

we saw Transformers friday night and i was blown away. the action was fantastic, the storyline was amazing and the acting was light years beyond what one usually finds in a "comic book" movie. i was so tremendously relieved that it turned out to be as good as it was since i was a big fan of the 80's cartoon and the original movie. i had as many of the toys as mom and dad were willing to spring for (btw: the new Transformers toys are a tremendous let down; they're made of plastic. if i was a kid today, i'd rather play with the box).

we've already got tickets to see Harry Potter tomorrow night and i'm anticipating a good time. the 1st movie came out around Christmas time, and i remember it had such a magical and wintry feel. as the movies have progressed, they've gotten darker and more "oppressive", so i can only imagine what this next installment will feel like.

i'll be honest though, no matter how good it is, i'm sure it would be even better if i could watch it at the drive-in (hmmm maybe i do belong in '55).

It Should've Been Called Throwing Up

another awful, dreadful, terrible "gay movie".

it was like watching bisexual porn...without the porn. the writing was awful. the acting was terrible. even the music was bad. the actors were cute, in that "i'm-a-perpetually-sixteen-twinkie" kinda way.
ironically, the title has nothing to do with the movie; it's not a clever pun. it's not a double entendre. save your money. save your time.

Get Outta Here!

sometimes, i think i'm too gay.

i don't mean i'm flaming, not that i'd mind if i was, 'cause i'm usually not. since i came out i've become Captian Queer or Super Fag...

i read gay books: John said it best, i've got the Library of Gay Sexual Congress. Fiction, Non-Fiction, Poetry, and Plays. don't get me wrong, i still (re)read Anne Rice and other books where the characters are straight, living in a straight world, doing things with other straight people, but more often than not what i'm reading usually a story where boy meets boy, boy falls for boy, boy breaks up with boy, boy comes crawling back to boy, boy and boy live gaily ever after. they're cheesy and fluffy, but they're about people like me.

i watch gay movies and tv shows: mind you, i still love my Charlie's Angels, Heroes, and a couple of other "straight" shows, but i prefer to watch shows and movies about fags and dykes, no matter how bad they are (read: Noah's Ark and Leaving Metropolis, respectively). it's like the reading thing. i'm just glad that in the gay movies that are released today, the main character doesn't automatically die of AIDS in the last reel.

i listen to music by gay artists: it's nice knowing that Rufus Wainwright and Neil Tennant are singing about men.

i have a gay tattoo on my leg and gay bumper stickers on my car: ok those are more about Pride than anything else. i've reached a point where i feel that maximum visibility is the only way to go. maybe it's because i feel like everywhere i look "the straight" thing is in my face and crammed down my throat. maybe it's because i'm just angry at how i feel we (as fags and dykes) are treated by the majority. maybe it's because, to me, to not show your Pride is the same as staying in the closet. if we don't show people we're out there, how are they going to know?

i guess it's because (i've been told) that if i didn't tell people i was gay, they wouldn't really know. i want them to know. in my mind, a silent minority is an invisible minority and that's a minority that will forever be forced to roll over and take the dick up the ass that the majority is offering. given the choice, i'd move into a Gay Ghetto like the Castro or the Chelsea. i like being around other gay people. i feel less "self aware" i guess.

so, what do you think? can you be too gay? can you be too out or proud?

(Broke)back from the Dead

as if i needed another reason to hate this movie. now all the right-wing nuts are going wiggy, thinking it's all about the "gay agenda". jeez, if we had an agenda, i hope it would include better propaganda, like Trick or Dorian Blues. hell, Jeffery or To Wong Foo were better than Brokeback. Lord knows Wesely Snipes makes a better drag queen than Heath Ledger(sp?) makes a fag. there are a ton of movies better than Brokeback for wooing the youth of America (in no particular order, except for how they popped into my brain):

1. Better Than Chocolate
2. Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss
3. Rent
4. Torch Song Trilogy
5. Love! Valour! Compassion!
6. Object of My Offection
7. Borstal Boy
8. the Broken Hearts Club
9. Angels in America
10. Kissing Jessica Stein
11. Hedwig and the Angry Inch
12. the Birdcage
13. But I'm a Cheerleader
14. Another Gay Movie
15. the Wedding Banquet
16. the Celluloid Closet
17. And the Band Played On
18. Trans-America
19. the Tales of the City mini-series
20. Soldier's Girl
21. Kiss Me Guido
22. Victor/Victoria
23. Fried Green Tomatoes
24. the Laramie Project
25. Six Degrees of Seperation
26. Touch of Pink
27. Bedroom and Hallways
28. Saved!

really, though. if you're gonna corrupt a bunch of minors, at least use quality materials.

"Marriage, fun? Fiddle-dee-dee. Fun for men you mean"

No matter how hard i try to be Melanie, i always wind up feeling like Scarlett.

"No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you! You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how"~Gone With the Wind (Clark Gable)

Happy Friday

so, there i was in the shower this morning and the theme song from St. Elmo's Fire came on. 1st off lemme say i love that song. it's right up there with "Don't You Forget About Me" from the Breakfast Club and "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" from Mannequin in terms of best movie songs ever. anyhoo, it got me thinking (at 5:40am when i'm painfully susceptible to tangential thoughts) what a stupid title St. Elmo's Fire is. then i got to thinking if they ever explain what the title has to do with the movie or what St. Elmo's fire actually is. it's been years since i'd seen the movie, so i couldn't quite remember if they did or not (all i remember is Demi Moore and some middle eastern oil barons, and Mare Wittingham wearing a girdle or something), so when i got to work i promptly Googled for a picture of St. Elmo's Fire and this is what i found:

that explains everything, doesn't it? have a great weekend!

And I'm Telling You...

stop reading this blog, right now.
get up, get your coat on, and get in your car.
drive to the nearest movie theater and see Dreamgirls.
John and i saw it last night, now it's your turn.

you know your mama had the Original Cast Recording on 8 track or vinyl (and that you bought it on CD when it was re-released a couple of years ago). you know that you know all the words to And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going (complete with Jennifer Holliday's grunts and growls) and One Night Only; you've stood at the bar at Splash, on Musical Mondays, mouthing the words like the wanna-be dragqueen you are. It's in your blood mary, so don't fight it just 'cause neither Miss Holliday nor Sheryl Lee Ralph are in it, nor because you keep picturing Beyonce as Foxy Cleopatara in Austin Powers: Goldmember. i urge you (as John did, me) to seperate yourself from everything you know about the Original Cast. Go in with an open and optimistic mind, and you will be rewarded with a truly entertaining movie-musical-extravaganza.

while not the best movie-musical to be churned out of Hollywood in the last 5 years (read: Chicago), it is certainly lightyears better than the embarassing snoozefest that was Phantom of the Opera (ok maybe i'm just bitter, 'cause i really hate Andrew Lloyd Weber and don't understand his appeal). Beyonce is utterly enchanting despite the deliberate attempt to be made up like Diana Ross's stunt double. it's actually kinda eerie how dead-on-balls the make up artist was in making her up like Miss Ross; there are a couple of scenes where it'd be nearly impossible to tell them apart. we knew the girl could sing, but who knew she could also act so well? Jamie Foxx was his usual snide and unctuous self (i'm supposed to hate him, right?). Eddie Murphy was truly phenomonal in what seems to be the most serious role i've ever seen him in; his singing voice was truly worth mentioning (he's really come a long way since My Girl Loves to Party All the Time).

the thief of the movie, however is Jennifer Hudson who plays the big-boned/big-voiced/pain in the ass Effie (made famous, again, by Jennifer Holliday). Now, i'll admit i went in there thinking that nobody could top La Holliday, and i was right. Jenn Hudson, though give a totally spot-on performance that is just as good as Jenn Holliday. she takes the character of Effie and really makes her her own, adding a unique spin on a complex character. Needless to say, her voice is like a great golden bell, with the most amazing resonance and energy; taking songs that had became someone else's trademark (And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going, I'm Changing, One Night Only) and reshaping them with her own skill and soul. i can't, in good conscience, say that she's better than the original, but she's pretty damn close. on the way home, John played the Deluxe edition CD for me which has Richie Jones' mix of And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going(which completely blows away either of the mixes done for Jennifer Holliday by Junior and Rosabel) and Beyonce's One Night Only, both of which are sure to be crowd favorites.

if this is the trend that movies are taking, the ressurection of the movie musical, i say bring it on. i look forward to seeing the big screen versions of Wicked, La Cage Aux Folles, Anything Goes or my personal favorite Into the Woods. Maybe they can bribe Jennifer Holliday in to play the Witch!


"Why do I love it so much?What kind of magic is this?How come I can't help adore it?It's just another musical"~ In the Musicals (Bjork)

Every Time a Bell Rings...

i come to you today a man prepared to eat his own words. for years, i've poo-pooed and spoken out against an American Christmas tradition. last night i finally broke down and watched It's a Wonderful Life, in it's entirety and cried like a premenstural woman.i don't mean i teared up idly at the smattering of sentiment. oh no. from the scene where George saves Harry on the frozen pond to the last dingle-dingle i openly wept, bordering on sobbing.

i was completely overcome by the message of "every man's life touches others'" and absolutley shocked. granted, over the last couple of years, i've become more moved by movies and tv shows. this i attribute to Stephen's influence. not to sound too cheesy, but before i met him i'd kinda shutdown emotionally (for which i can thank Shithead) for a couple of years. i was immune to the charm of movies, song lyrics and Hallmark commericals. then, after spending a week with Stephen, it was like all the walls tumbled down and i was as sensitive as a sore tooth. movie trailers, books, commercials, etc get me misty. it's almost pavlovian the way i react to cheap sentiment now. if it's sappy/schmaltzy/cheesy, i'll cry.

if you've never seen It's a Wonderful Life, you must live in an area where they do not have televisions, pop-culture or Christmas. if that's the case, you probably also don't have a PC and can't be reading this. on the off chance that somehow you've lived your life in complete isolation but managed to escape back into society and are reading this blog and now have access to a television, dvd player or vcr, i strongly suggest that you rent/borrow it. if you've seen it in the past and rolled your eyes at gobs of sentiment being tossed around like snowballs, i suggest you give it another chance. it may surprise you...

Save the Cheerleader, Save Me a Spot on the Couch

do you remember a while back that i went on an anti-reality tv tirade? well it seems that my lamentations, about not having quality shows to veg-out in front of, were premature. i've found "my show". thank you NBC for giving us Heroes.

i was annoyed that i'd missed the 1st episode, but like any show, it wasn't hard to pick up on by watching the 2nd one (plus NBC was nice enough to have a mini-marathon a few weeks after the premiere to catch us up; again: thank you NBC). have you seen this show? it's absolutely captivating: ordinary people, discovering how extrordinary they actually are; good guys vs bad guys. b-list celebrities from other shows (ie. Buffy, Desperate Housewives, and even General Hospital). sex, drugs, violence and superheroes; who could ask for anything more in a primetime drama?

there are plots, sub-plots, interconnecting stories and the most endearing Japanese guy since Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's. if you haven't seen it yet, the Sci-Fi channel is running a marathon. if you don't get Sci-Fi, call a friend who does and ask him to tape it, TiVo it or if he'll let you come over and watch it. it's that good. i dont' think you have to be a comic geek to appreciate it (lord knows Stephen isn't one), but it certainly helps.

"What is a hero without love for mankind"~ Doris Lessing

Double-Oh-My

We saw Casino Royale last night, the latest James Bond flick and all i can say is: DAMN. this movie totally blew away all its predecessors. from the 1st scene to the end credits, it was a truly amazing movie with a wonderful balance of action and plot (unlike some of the older Bond films that seem to drag under the weight of exposition and minutae). at no point during the film was i sitting there thinking, "ok...get on with it", like i've done during Die Another Day and most of the Sean Connery era films.

let's talk abou the cast, shall we? it must be said, i Y Judi Dench. she's fucking amazing. that woman could read the phonebook on BBC-America, in front of a fire, and i'd be completely transfixed for 2 hours. there really is nothing like a dame. the love interest, whose name escapes me, was completely forgetable. she reminded me of a poor man's Parker Posey (lacking the zany charm). what do you expect from a character named Vesper?

now, let's talk about Daniel Craig:

i was floored at

a) how hot he is

b) how great of a bond he was,

c) how hot he is,

d) how well he acted and

e) how unbelievably hot he is.

he has completely re-invented the character of James Bond and we are better off for it. he's rugged and masculine, without being overly butch.

i hate to be one of those fags that says that every hot man is family, but i think this one is (are there any rumors about?): he does the circuit-euro-gay-boy duck-lip/pout thing as though he should be standing at the upstairs bar at XL (ie. porn-star/CEO Michael Lukas,~~~>).

go see this movie. bring a friend. you won't be disappointed.

"Nobody does it betterMakes me feel sad for the rest.Nobody does it half as good as you.Baby, you're the best"~Nobody Does it Better/The Spy Who Loved Me (Carly Simon)

the Soundtrack of Your Life...

You all know how much i love music. Y'all also know how much i love the Next Blog button . i came across this wonderful idea while surfing the blogsphere and yes, i'm blatantly stealing it (i also may be cheating a bit by using a pre-made playlist on shuffle-play, but since there are no "rules" i'll do it my way thank-you-very-much):

Put your IPod or whatever mp3 player you have to random play. Imagine your life is a movie soundtrack, press play, and write down the song that comes up for all the points in the list below.
1. Opening credits: Fly Again (Scumfrog full club mix)~ Kristine W
2. Waking up: Vienna (Lenny Bertolo full mix)~ Linda Eder
3. Falling in love: the Wonder of It All (Al B Rich edit)~ Kristine W
4. Fight scene: Rising (Tony Moran mix)~ Elle Patrice
5. Breaking up: the Wonder of It All (Escape 2 Gomi mix)~ Kristine W
6. Life's okay: Proud 2005 (Peter Presta Queer As Folk Finale mix)~ Heather Small
7. Mental breakdown : Stronger (Johnny Vicious full mix)~ Kristine W
8. Driving: Me Against the Music (Peter Rauhofer full mix)~ Madonna & Britney Spears
9. Flashbacks: Secret (John Michael's Razor & Guido radio edit)~ Madonna
10. Happy dance: Someone to Hold (Johnny Vicious Club mix)~ Veronica
11. Regretting: Fallen (Gabriel & Dresden full mix)~ Sarah McLachlan
12. Final battle: X-99 (Club 69 Tribal mix)~ Junior Vasquez
13. Death scene: Breathe (LMC extended mix)~ Erasure

interesting, right? i was perplexed how Kristine W's the Wonder of It All would be both a falling in love song and a breaking up song, but it kinda works. Heather Small's Proud is totally appropos! ditto Junior's X-99. what's your soundtrack?

Yes, You've Returned (Now Go Away Again So We Can Go Back to Missing You)

Hello, darlings! this is one of my ultra-rare weekend posts (i've got a three day weekend planned), and since i know you all wait with bated breath for my scribblings, i'd hate to let you down; consider this Monday's post.

Stephen and i just got back from seeing, you guessed it, Superman Returns. to be quite blunt, i just want him to return my $9 for the movie and $6 for the bridge to get out to New Brunswick, since it's already out of both the Staten Island theaters. as far as i'm concerned, this movie was truly one of the biggest disappointments ever to come out of Hollywood since Glitter. the plot was thinner than well sliced prosciutto, the acting was more wooden than Howdy Doody and the special effects seemed to come straight from the video game which is probably more exciting. there was absolutely zero in the way of character development and if you had to quantify the amount of emotional depth displayed by any of the actors, you'd be looking at negative numbers. i'm not going to bother spoiling any of the plot points for you, since i'm sure it'll probably be out on DVD by the end of September.

the biggest problem, by far, was that neither Superman/Clark (i don't recall the actor's name) nor Lois (Kate Bosworth?) really seemed to care about anything that was going on at any given moment. their interactions were so lackluster and plastic that it was like watching mannequins (one of which, with a nice sized package, by the way) in pretty clothes. only Kevin Spacey and the ever fabulous Parker Posey had any emotion at all: they were evil and stupid (respectively) and they were loving every minute of it.

i can't quite imagine what the writer, director or producers were thinking when they greenlighted this movie for production. i guess with the success of Batman Begins and all the other comic book movies, they thought it was time ressurect Superman, but they should've waited for a good script to come along. it was like watching a really bad episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Smallville (like the Preying Mantis episode of the former or Kryptonite Tattoo episode of the latter) only with a bigger budget. strangely enough, having watched both shows (we're actually in the midst of Buffy: Season 2), they're much better acted and written.
Incidentally, we own the full series of Buffy, Angel and Smallville on DVD, if you wanna borrow them. we won't charge you $9, and i'll guarantee you'll be immensely more entertained.

"Well, I don't think I can handle this/A cloudy day in Metropolis/I think I'll talk to my analyst"~Jimmy Olsen's Blues (the Spin Doctor's)