Friday is For Forgiveness, People

i'm sorry about all the quizzes, but i'm too overworked right now for anything more than this. also, my muse seems to be on some sort of sabbatical, lately, and i find i have terribly little to say (outside of a Facebook status update). maybe she's here, or here or here (they seem to have no problem writing new and interesting things, almost daily).
so, yeah...if you guys happen to see my muse, please tell her i miss her.

Test Day: Fear of Phobias

You Are 16% Phobic

Wow, you're scared of very little. And you're always conquering new fears that come up. Have you considered a career as a stunt double? You should at least go on one of those crazy reality shows where you eat bugs!

How Phobic Are You?

the thing is, they just didn't list all my phobias...where are bridges? where are clowns? where are revolving doors?

Test Day: I Must Say, I'm Curious What Dr. K's Result Will Be

You Are Beef and Broccoli

You are a smart, no nonsense type of person. You are very low maintenance compared to most people. You are often thinking of everyone else but yourself. You feel the most comfortable when you are putting yourself last. You tend to order quickly yet carefully from the menu of life. You don't have a lot of time to agonize over decisions. By doing the best you can in each moment, you've done pretty well in life. People truly respect and admire you.

What Kind of Chinese Food Are You?

Blogthings: A Fine Line Between Insight and Stupidity

Test Day:Your Favorite Fruit

You Are Pears

You have sophisticated tasted in food, and more than anything, you really like to go for high quality ingredients. You understand that a perfectly grown and ripened pear is a beautiful thing... and really quite underrated. You prefer to eat minimally prepared food. You think complexity often just hides poor quality ingredients. In your mind, there's little better than an expertly poached pear, or pear served with a fine cheese.

What Fall Fruit or Vegetable Are You Most Like?

ironically, i thoroughly dislike pears.

Test Day: Halloweenie

You Are Spooky

You put the trick in "trick or treat," and you won't stop scaring people until you scare yourself. You love horror movies, dark spooky nights, and the darker side of Halloween. You save the kids' stuff for the kids. Speaking of kids, you avoid the little candy grubbing monsters at all costs. Well, unless you are looking to give them a little scare. You think Halloween has gotten a bit to sugary these days, and you don't mind injecting a little fright into things.

Are You Spooky or Kooky?

Thursday Morning Cop Out Post II

ach. i'm totally swamped after an almost* depressingly unremarkable four day weekend. i've got 3 or 4 posts in my head but not nearly enough time to get them on paper. sorry kids, maybe tomorrow...
*the highlight was monday's all-too-brief lunch with Mrs Bri-the-Pie-Guy and their bouncing baby boy, which really just served to make me miss her even more than i already do.

Artsy Friday

So, this is the art that's been gracing my desktop, lately. i totally sweat Alex Ross.

Test Day: Oh Look, Something Shiny!

Your Attention Span is Medium

Your attention span is just about average. You may think that you have a short attention span... But being distracted is something most people struggle with. The most important thing is that you're aware that your mind wanders. If you find yourself daydreaming, you can usually snap out of it. It may be tough to concentrate at times, but you can do it... if you want to!

How's Your Attention Span?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

Test Day: That's SUPER Genius

You Are 68% Tortured Genius

You are smart. Brilliant in fact. And while it's a blessing, it's also a curse. Your head is filled with everything - grand ideas, insufferable worries, and a good deal of angst.

Are You a Tortured Genius?

Random Life Lesson #56

yesterday, while on the way home from work, i heard (between songs on my iPod) an announcement in the subway station telling people not to stick hands or bags between the doors in an attempt to stop them. the announcer was very irate about this and stressed that there was no need to hold the train; there's always another one behind it. this reminded me of my own train door story...

a few years ago, while on the way home from AIDS Walk NY, CawfeeMate and i had planned to take the subway from Central Park, down to the Village (or possibly Chelsea) for dinner and some window shopping. Thankfully, he is one of those New Yorkers that knows where all the trains stop, start and wind up; which are locals, which run express, which have good air conditioning and the best overhead lighting. he guided us to the nearest subway entrance as a train was pulling in. being the complete opposite in every way, i have no idea which trains go where, but my golden retriever-esque brain flashed the urgent message "there's a train" and i bolted to catch it, regardless of whether or not it was "our" train.

as it turns out it wasn't and with one foot in and one foot out, CawfeeMate grabbed me by my backpack before we were separated. in an instant, the doors closed aroudn the ankle of the one foot which was in, which happened to be wearing a leather flip-flop. after several seconds, the doors opened and i was able to extricate myself from the door. sadly, now the flip flop was stuck in the door. this time, though the doors didn't open and i chased after the train and eventually retrieve it.

the entire affair couldn't have taken more than 30 seconds, but provided a lifetime of lessons, not the least important of which is that i never attempt to hold the doors on a departing train and will never wear flip-flops to the AIDS Walk ever again.

Test Day: Flame ON!

You Are Jean Grey

Although your fate is often unknown, you always seem to survive (even after death). Your mind is your greatest weapon, literally! Powers: telepathy and telekinesis, the ability to project thoughts into the mind of others, communication with animals

Which of the X-Men Are You?

But Is It Available In Leopard Print, For MS?

get it here (or just watch the video)

Top 10 Reasons Why I Don't Like Vacation

10. my job always seems infinitely more pointless and unfulfilling when i get back

9. people are exponentially less hot the further you get from New York (or any other major city, ie. San Francisco or Chicago)

8. hotels always feel like such a mammoth waste of money. I don't need turndown service or spa tub, but a clean room with a comfortable bed, thick comforter and thirsty towels should be the standard, not luxury.

7. 217 unanswered e-mails and faxes waiting for me when i get back.

6. no matter where we go, it seems like we have to go through New Jersey to get there

5. road signs outside New York look like this:

4. i'm a horrible over-packer and bring at least 3 outfits, 2 pairs of shoes and a jacket i don't need; whatever i forget to pack always winds up being really important (ie. cell phone or iPod charger)

3. chain restaurants and the tourists who love them.

2. i don't get to work out like i should because i feel like it's a waste of valuable time which should be spent maximizing the fun.

1. five days is not nearly enough time to relax. in fact: i usually need another five to recover from attempting to squeeze as much fun as possible (read: clubbing, late nights, etc) into the five days i have off and wind up exhausted.

Phoning It In

So, yeah, the vacation's almost over and the huz and i are about to leave Mary-land, where we spent three really great days with her and her man, at her wedding. everyone looked fabulous, the day was gorgeous and we had a wonderful time. mozol tov, to you two crazy kids!

for no reason, in particular, i thought i'd post this, which a friend of mine sent me on Facebook. i'm not gonna lie, i laughed so hard i cried the 1st time i saw it. Enjoy!

See You Next Week, Kids!

i'm on...

Totally Random Thought of the Day

Green Lantern (not to be confused with Breen Lantern) wears white opera gloves and has a huge, fabulous, ring which makes him "super"...i'm just sayin'...

CawfeeGuy Liked a Thing (So He Put a Ring On It)

Happy 6 year, 2 Year and 1 year anniversaries, honey.

Test Day: Um...I'm Not Black...I'm SICILIAN...

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh. You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum. Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Test Day: Tastefully Dynamic

Better late than never!

Your Taste in Music Says You're Dynamic

Your musical tastes are energetic and rhythmic. You are full of energy and can be quite talkative. You are forward thinking and open minded. You despise conservatism of any sort. You are intense, detail oriented, and motivated. You are an ambitious person, though your ambition is anything but conventional.

What Does Your Taste in Music Say About You?

Blogthings: 100's of Fun, Free Quizzes and 3 Stupid Ones

Supersize Me

i have an incredibly "love/hate" relationship with food; i love to eat, but i hate to gain weight.
i love food; meat, vegetables, bread, cakes, sweets. i come from foodies and my mom and dad raised me to try everything before saying i don't like it. lately i've even begun to re-visit things i hadn't liked in the past, attempting to see if my taste really has changed*.
the problem is, i like food a little too much. over the last 33 years i've lost and gained and lost and gained to an almost ridiculous degree; i'm starting to feel like Kirstie Alley. here are the highlights:

• (1999, about a year after graduating college) i was 165 lbs and wearing a size 30 jeans*, thanks to a really hot mexican guy who gave me mono.
• (2006) a year before CawfeeMate and i tied the knot  i was 210 lbs
• (2007) thanks to Weight Watchers, i was down to 172 by the time we got married, on October 6th.
• (2008) a year later, i was up to 190 lbs, when we got married (again) on October 11th. 
• as of this morning, i'm down to 173 lbs.
  
  
  

i can pretty much point to my complete unwillingness to participate in any physical activity as the cause of my ascent to 210. i do not like sports. i do not like to exercise. given the opportunity, i would lie around (be it on the couch or in a hammock), reading and playing videogames all day. actually, that's exactly what i did for six months, in 2003, while i was unemployed and mooching off CawfeeMate;  that's where the bulk of my...bulk...came from. 

but, in the end, all the rest of the ups and downs all come back to food.

i almost always want to eat, but i know that i can't.

i could snack all day at work; i could drop $5 a day on the lady who sits 3 desks over and sells snack-sized bags of chips and cookies and pretzels and things...but i walk by her every day and only say hello.

at home, i'd gladly indulge in second helpings of whatever we make for dinner***,  and then sit down to watch tv with thebag of pita chips and a tub of hummus we got from Costco...but, instead, i measure out one portion of chips (admitedly about 2 cups) and about half a cup of the hummus. and dessert? i could easily down half a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cake Batter ice cream or half a package of Oreos or Mallomars in an evening, instead of stopping after one scoop or 3 cookies.

if i didn't exercise restraint, i'd feel terrible about myself. i'd be racked with good old fashioned catholic flavored guilt about not being able to overcome my basest urges. because that's what it's all about, at the end of the day: being able to lie in bed**** and say "your will-power stopped you from eating today". well that and being able to fit in size 32 pants.

i slipped this morning and indulged in the craving i've had for McDonald's breakfast. There's alot of fat and alot of calories in a bacon, egg and cheese on a bagel, folks, but i had to give in. there was no way i'd be able to make it another day without one. so, as "penance" i skipped lunch and will forgo my after dinner chips and hummus. as i finish writing this (i started about 4 hours ago), i'm unbelievably hungry. Debbie, the chip lady, has one bag of Cinnamon Scooby Snack graham crackers left (only 55 cents!) but i'm going to walk past her, on the way out the door, no matter how tempted i am to slip twice in one day.

i have to will myself not to because each time i do, it's another step closer toward 210...someplace that i refuse to ever see again.

* i have CawfeeMate to thank for this, since his way of cooking and tastes aren't quite the same as mine. he's a brilliant cook, so chances are if he makes it, i'll like it.

** truth to be told, i probably should've been wearing a size 32, but i was 23 and had an ass you could bounce a quarter off of and make change, so why quibble?

*** 99% of the time, whatever we cook is made in a way that the WW gurus would approve of: low fat or no fat cheeses on our pizza, chicken sausage, green vegetables every day, measured portions, little or no oil, nothing fried, etc.
**** maybe this explains why CawfeeMate tells me that i "sleep eat"; that is: make noises like i'm eating and drinking, in my sleep.

Gays of Future Past

anyone who knows me can probably attest that, when it comes to my looks, i'm not a "blow my own horn" kinda guy; if anything, i've been told (by CawfeeMate) that i have more than a few body dismorphic issues. this is, conservatively speaking, a pretty fair assesment of me. having grown up with a weight problem and other issues, i'm usually very uncomfortable and unhappy with how i look. i seldom believe the odd compliment i may receive, and it's extremely rare when i feel young, handsome and/or thin. yesterday, though, i felt all three at the same time. i owe it all to being in a room of eight older (55+), overweight, unattractive gay men at a brunch hosted by a friend of CawfeeMate. call it "schadenfreude for the vain".

we had been, invited a number of weeks ago by a friend whom CawfeeMate sees almost annually; for argument's sake, i'll refer to this friend as HowOdd*.Anyway, the invitation was for a 1pm brunch in Queens. no other details (ie. guestlist) were included in the e-mail invite and even while driving there we wondered if it would be mutual friends of CawfeeMate and HowOdd, from the hospital they had both worked at (HowOdd had recently retired). When we walked in, i was immediately struck with the knowledge that, for the 1st time in a very long time, i was the youngest person in the room by about  25 years (with CawfeeMate coming a very close second by being only 7 years my senior). Ordinarily, facts like that don't really phase me; like Nicky Arnstein (and a sponge), i can usually fit in almost anywhere. i've always hung out with a slightly older crowd and have been attracted to/enjoyed the company of older men, so i'm fairly comfortable with the salt-and-peppered hair set. this group, though, was another story. Our arrival was met with the cocktail party silence of a group of people, who already know each other, sizing up the newbies. introductions were made and CawfeeMate and i stood together, nursing our Bloody Marys, till brunch was served. during the 15 or 20 minutes between our arrival and the food observed the following:

• with the exception of myself and CawfeeMate, everyone assembled was either retired or ten minutes away from retirement.
• one man had, perhaps, the worst wig/toupee i have ever seen, bar none in a completely unbelievable shade of red as to suggest Raggedy Andy or Ronald McDonald. within 5 minutes of meeting him it struck me that he was also incredibly pretentious, bordering on obnoxious.
• two gentlemen had obvious dye jobs (c'mon mary, nobody's hair is that black after the age of forty. who are you, Anne Miller?)
• one couple (there were three) looked like brothers.

after my initial shock/knee-jerk-bitch reaction relaxed and wore off (or perhaps the 2nd Bloody Mary kicked in) we sat around talking and i learned:

• one of the guys was a retired figure skater!
• this was the pre-Stonewall generation
•  they'd all, obviously, survived the 80's and the AIDS epidemic.
• with the exception of WigMan, they were all exceptionally interesting to talk to, having been "there" and done "that" several decades before i was even a thought.
• we're everywhere and have been forever
• talk of Shirley Bassey, clubs and drag queens transcends every gay generation

after a while the mood transitioned from uncomfortable to surreal. it was like looking way into the future (like in Spice World or that episode of AbFab) and seeing my friends...in their sixties...sitting around eating bagels, lox and ruggelach remembering the "gay nineties"...

*HowOdd was CawfeeMate's supervisor at a previous job and despite their sigificant age difference (both HowOdd and his boyfriend are in their early sixties), HowOdd's incredibly strange sense of humor and CawfeeMate's change of jobs they remained friendly.

Lighten Up Faggot (or You're a Card)

saturday, the huz and i went to my favorite godson's 1st birthday party. while standing around and chit chatting with my friends and their family, they asked if we had seen the new ABC sitcom Modern Family, which had premiered Wednesday night. i admitted we hadn't, but that it hadn't looked all that funny to us*. they unanimously proceeded to disagree and tell us that it was that funny, so when we got home from the party we watched it on ABC.com.

very long story short ('cuz this isn't intended to be a review of the show), it really was a great pilot; the preconcieved notions i had** about it were completely dashed and i really enjoyed it. the reason i'm brining it up is because the 1st scene you meet the gay couple, they're on a plane picking up their newly adopted vietnamese baby and are uptight about the flight home; in the face of what appears to be an anti-gay slur. one of the guys gets up an gives "the speech".

i'm sure you know "the speech". we all have "a speech". it's that anti-anti-gay tirade we all have practiced, a thousand times, in our heads; it may a couple of words or a couple of pages worth, but we'd love to deliver to right-wing, conservative shitheads who snicker and laugh and heckle us when we walk through the mall or down the street holding hands or sit too close on the train. "the speech" is reactionary and/or caustic and typically knee-jerk liberal finger wagging. well, friday night i got to deliver a few lines of my "speech" at the Hallmark store in the Staten Island mall.

Non-Pregnant Juno Looking Cashier Girl: did you find everything you were looking for?
CawfeeGuy: no actually i didn't. unless you have a section for "Congratulations on your Domestic Partnership*** or Non-Federally-Recognized Marriage" that i didn't see.
NPJLCG: Um...what?
CG: Never mind.
NPJLC: wait...do you mean, like, gay marriage?
CG: yeah. forget it. Hallmark doesn't make a card for that.
NPJLC: actually we do.
CG: huh?
NPJLC: Follow me.

Hallmark had about 10 or 12 cards, specifically for same-sex weddings (with two tuxes or wedding dresses, rainbows, penguins, etc on them), in their own little section next to the other wedding cards. suffice to say, i left there with a terribly red face, but with blog and cocktail party fodder.

my point in all this, is that the scene in Modern Family was so funny because it was so real. We (the gays), are constantly on guard against "attacks" and "injustice" that, sometimes, we're as hair-trigger-sensitive as a Tom & Jerry mousetrap; seeing it on t.v. (especially after friday night) was just perfect timing (for me) because it really hit home. We need to lighten up, fellas. Sometimes...i'd hazard to say most times... "the speech" is totally warranted and necessary; but there are other times when, comically, it's the complete opposite. during the lattter, we need to be able to step back and laugh at ourselves. truth to be told, i think if we laughed at ourselves more often we'd be alot more...gay.

*in truth, CawfeeMate had called me up on wednesday morning and asked if i had heard of the new "gay sitcom" and i felt compelled to correct him that it was just "a sitcom with gays" and not the next Will & Grace after having seen an ad on the subway.
** that the gay couple would just be 2 dimensional punchlines for tired old jokes about 2 fags and a baby
*** two our friends, Chris and Patrick, went down to Staten Island Borough Hall, on Friday, and got...domestically partnered...which totally deserved a card.

Test Day: Caution Do Not Mix With Coke!

You Are Pop Rock

You are a happy, optimistic person. You find a lot of joy in life. You like music that's easy to sing along to, dance to, or listen to. You tend to like things that are modern and trendy. You're not a snob, and to be honest, you can't stand snobbery of any kind. You like songs that are catchy. Your favorite songs stick in your head for years.

What Kind of Rock Are You?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

Test Day: Back Then I Was CawfeeBoy

You Are 76% A Child of the 80s

Not only did you experience the 80s... you are practically an expert. You should be totally stoked!

Are You a Child of an 80s?