a Valentine's Day Fairy's Tale

Once upon a time there was a boy...we'll call him KoolAidBoy (again). KoolAidBoy always hated Valentine's Day. Why, you ask? because every Valentine's Day that he could remember seemed like an exercise in humiliation. like all the other kids at St. Frances Cabrini Elementary School, a couple of weeks before V-Day he'd pick out a box of cards to give to each of his 39 class mates, usually featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts. a couple of days before, he'd sit down and write them out, saving his favorite card, with Snoopy and Woodstock hugging on the front, for the girl he loved: Alyson (yup, with a Y). she was pretty and quiet and had the nicest hair of all the girls; and was French (not from France, but she was descended from French people; that made her so much more exotic in a neighborhood of mostly Italian and a couple of Irish kids). she also didn't know he was alive. well, she knew, but she didn't exactly care. Anyway, Valentines Day would arrive and every year it was the same thing:

the teacher would have her Mailbox all set up and all the kids would drop there cards in. then someone would be chosen "mailman" (usually the teacher's favorite student: the abnormally tall and brainy buck-toothed girl with the braces and heavy Italian accent). not everyone subscribed to the notion that everyone should get a card and only got cards for their immediate circle of friends, so it really was quite interesting to watch who got cards and who didn't. Every year, KoolAidBoy watched as Alyson tore into her cards while eating her little candy hearts and Enteman's sugar topped cupcake. not once did she even blink when she got to the Snoopy and Woodstock card (the one that came to symbolize a deep and meaning full love, a love for all the ages); it was just tossed in the pile with the rest.

every.
year.

KoolAidBoy came to associate Valentine's Day with this same level of rejection and being ignored, well into his early 20's (tricks and hook-ups tend to look at you funny when you ask if they would be your Valentine) and even went on an Anti-Valentine's Day Ski trip with two of his favorite girl-friends, in college (they never made it to the slopes, just sat around drinking and smoking and hating guys who didn't ask them to be their Valentines).

his 1st real Valentine was a boy he had met online and had become fast friends with. they both worked in the mall, a couple of stores from each other, and would spend equal amounts of time running back and forth. by the time V-Day rolled around, it was candy and a Tinky Winky doll. KoolAidBoy was so happy when the feelings were returned! a week or two later, KoolAidBoy met his 1st boyfriend (VegetarianDelawareBoy), and the quasi-romantic vibe between him and his mall buddy morphed into friendship (one that's spanned almost 10 Valentines Days). he remained KoolAidBoy's only Valentine till KoolAidBoy met a guy with who came to be known only as Shithead. it need not be mentioned that Shithead was a lousy Valentine.

then KoolAidBoy met a guy. this guy (who we'll refer to as SexyShavedHeadGuy) swept him off his feet for three consecutive Valentine's Days: romantic dinners, flowers, a trip to DC and finally an engagement ring. KoolAidBoy (now KoolAidGuy) was...is...completely head-over-heels in love. SexyShavedHeadGuy makes every day feel like Valentine's Day.

KoolAidGuy does have one regret, though:

he wasted all those Snoopy and Woodstock cards on some silly faux French girl.

"They say that bears have love affairs...we're merely mammals...let's misbehave"~Let's Misbehave (Cole Porter)

That's Just Super

once upon a time there was a little boy (for the sake of this story we'll call him KoolAidBoy). KoolAidBoy loved superheroes. he watched the Superfriends, Wonder Woman, Batman on TV and saw all the Superman movies. he would pretend he was the Flash when he ran outside, Aquaman when he was in the bathtub or the pool, etc. this kid was totally into superheroes. One Christmas morning, KoolAidBoy opened up what looked like a shirt box and got a wonderful surprise! Superman and Aquaman Underoos! KoolAidBoy was beyond ecstatic! he could now pretend he was a superhero even when he was at school! nobody would know that he had his secret costume on under his uniform! Santa was a genius. he wore his Underoos as often as his mom could wash them. they really were the underwear that was fun to wear.
like all boys, KoolAidBoy eventually grew up, and (of course) out of his Underoos. life went on, as it tends to do, but he kept his interest in superheroes and eventually began collecting comic books. he still watched movies, the occasional cartoon, and (naturally) re-runs and dvd re-issues of Wonder Woman and the Flash, but his days of wearing Underoos were long gone...or so he thought...
he happened upon an advert one day, when he was supposed to be working, for the new Adult sized Underoos. he was absolutely overjoyed! he wondered to himself (in a non-sexually deviant, nostalgic kinda way), How Cool is This!? then he looked at the publication date of the article and saw that it was from 2001. how odd. upon further research, he discovered no other mention of what seems to be the Holy Grail of Underwear, so he does what anyone would do, e-mail the manufacturer:

Dear Fruit of the Loom,
i recently read an article from 2001 about adult sized Underoos, what ever happened to them?
sincerely,
KoolAidGuy

the reply:

KoolAidGuy,
Thank you for your e-mail regarding adult size Underoos. We appreciate your interest but adult size Underoos were never added to our line of products. Thank you for writing.
Teresa Sikes
Consumer Services
Fruit of the Loom
Bowling Green, KY 42102-9015

KoolAidGuy is obviously perturbed. He even brought it up to a few friends at a recent birthday dinner and was met with a few dubious looks (and, to be fair a few groans of displeasure that matched his own). his nay-saying friends contended that this was the sort of thing that child molesters and deviants would be into. KoolAidGuy was quite taken aback. it had never occurred to him that it was strange! maybe that's why Fruit of the Loom never released them.
it's been years since he pretended he was the Flash or Aquaman (7 was fun 30 is better), but he just thought it would be pretty cool to have an undershirt and matching boxers with either of their likeness, right? just to hang out in the house in while watching Bewitched or the Golden Girls; who knows, maybe KoolAidGuy's hunky older boyfriend would consent to wear his Green Lantern Underoos and they could have a classic Team Up :^)

"I'm more than a man, i'm more than a plane, mor than some pretty face beside a train. it's not easy to be me"~ Superman (Five for Fighting)