Card Attack

I used to love getting Christmas cards in the mail. i look forward to seeing what kinds of cards people; religious? secular? funny? serious? modern? classic? i look at them like mail-order art and, as was the tradition in my family, would hang them on a wall to brighten up the living room during the Season. A couple of years ago, at Pier 1, i bought an enormous wire wall hanging in the shape of a Christmas tree, that's made to hold about 50 cards; by New Years the thing barely has room to fit any more and there's usually a small pile underneath from the ones that fall off. Yup, Christmas cards used to make me so very happy. then came...the children.

the cards we used to get contained hand written well-wishing, greetings and signatures; sometimes the envelopes were also handwritten but sometimes they were labels. either way, there was still the personal element involved with the card that said: my friend and/or his/her significant other, took the time to send me a Christmas/holiday card; they really are thinking of us this season! 90% of the cards we receive now, though, are just pictures of my friends' and family's kids; some are studio shots and some are snapshots that have been Walmarted or Zazzled into a card. this card is then stuck in an envelope with an address printed address label on it. no greeting. no signature. not even spit on the self-adhesive stamp. it may as well have come from our plumber or the guy who sold us our car.

now i know some might argue that we're lucky to be receiving cards at all, and that my feelings fly in the face of the spirit of the holiday, when it's the "thought that counts", and to those folks i say:  i am so very over these kinds of cards; i'd rather not receive a card from someone, than get one that's just a picture of their kid, because cards with just a photo of a kid on it usually shows no thought at all. i get that you're busy wiping snot and changing pull-ups and driving to tae kwon do or indoor, coed, non-denominational soccer (in addition to your 9 to 5 job); you're busy and i get that. so don't send a "card". you know who wants to get pics of your kids; e-mail them, save the postage and call it a day.

that's not going to happen, though. most, parents don't get the message that their little sun and/or moon is not the center of everyone's universe. they shouldn't be surprised though, that their "card" is somewhere in pile under our card tree, along with other pictures of people's kids...

Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic Toc

Okay, I’ll admit it: I live by certain sets of rules. I have rules for just about everything: being a straphanger, grammar, workplace etiquette, winter driving; the list of lists of rules goes on for days. These rules (and many more*) have taken me 35 years to craft and have served me well over that time. There’s one rule, though, that I’ve come to think of as a matter of social convention; one that almost everyone must should abide by: punctuality.

i've got zero time for blog maintenance and, like, three readers. so, 'til i sort my shit out...

Thursday Morning Cop Out Post II

ach. i'm totally swamped after an almost* depressingly unremarkable four day weekend. i've got 3 or 4 posts in my head but not nearly enough time to get them on paper. sorry kids, maybe tomorrow...
*the highlight was monday's all-too-brief lunch with Mrs Bri-the-Pie-Guy and their bouncing baby boy, which really just served to make me miss her even more than i already do.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Don't Like Vacation

10. my job always seems infinitely more pointless and unfulfilling when i get back

9. people are exponentially less hot the further you get from New York (or any other major city, ie. San Francisco or Chicago)

8. hotels always feel like such a mammoth waste of money. I don't need turndown service or spa tub, but a clean room with a comfortable bed, thick comforter and thirsty towels should be the standard, not luxury.

7. 217 unanswered e-mails and faxes waiting for me when i get back.

6. no matter where we go, it seems like we have to go through New Jersey to get there

5. road signs outside New York look like this:

4. i'm a horrible over-packer and bring at least 3 outfits, 2 pairs of shoes and a jacket i don't need; whatever i forget to pack always winds up being really important (ie. cell phone or iPod charger)

3. chain restaurants and the tourists who love them.

2. i don't get to work out like i should because i feel like it's a waste of valuable time which should be spent maximizing the fun.

1. five days is not nearly enough time to relax. in fact: i usually need another five to recover from attempting to squeeze as much fun as possible (read: clubbing, late nights, etc) into the five days i have off and wind up exhausted.

September Resolutions

1. write something every (week) day, instead of just updating my Facebook status every fifteen minutes.
2. continue working out regularly, upping the weights accordingly and not plateauing when it gets easy.
3. find some kind of cardio workout that doesn't make me wish i was dead.
4. increase blog traffic on this tired old corner of the internet that i call my own.
5. find reasons to hate my job less.
6. find a creative outlet.

Baby Blues

pick yourself up off the floor*, gentle reader. i do not, i repeat not, want a child. i'm simply feeling a pang of melancholy because almost all my straight friends are popping out kids (some are two deep) or on their way to getting knocked up (by way of impending nuptials which, usually, result in a kid). as you know, i am not a fan of children, for more than 20 minutes at a clip (with 1 or two exceptions).

this leaves me on the outside of another social circle**. my friends can't "come out and play", as readily as they used to. meetings, which are already over-scheduled because of work and other social obligations, need to be further scheduled around bathtimes, feeding and other mommy/daddy duties. gone are the days when you can call up Couple X, Y and/or Z and invite them to dinner or brunch or even a movie, and it sucks***.

selfish? hell yeah. jealous? maybe. childish? absolutely.

this is why i'll never have kids of my own; i don't think CawfeeMate could handle two.

*i know you were knocked off your chair from the combined shock of 2 posts in 2 days and a title which may suggest my longing for a child of my own

** a friend, recently, did not invite CawfeeMate and I to her 2nd child's christening. she said that they were keeping it very small and making it family only, but as much as i try to to believe her, i can't help but feel it's because we're not part of the Mommy/Daddy Club.

***i'm not judging or pointing fingers or being all passive aggresive or anything like that. i totally respect that being a parent is a valid lifestyle choice; and yes, my life is busy, too. it's hard squeezing in a social life into two days a week under the best of circumstance, but adding another person into the mix (one who can't drive, drink, pay, or cut their own food) makes it even more difficult.

This is My Blah-g

is everybody else as bored with my blog as i am?

the Moon is In Ca-Ca

ugh. if it wasn't for bad luck we'd not have any luck at all. last week:

• the six month old "replacement" dishwasher broke; after 2 days of phone calls we are getting our refund. i have to call Haier today to hammer out when.
• the bathroom renovation still isn't done. the plumbing supply company, from whom we bought everything associated with the bathroom except the tile and the mirror, screwed up on the vanity/vessel topped sink; the vessel doesn't fit on the sink without serious MacGuyvering. the plumber won't "seat" the toilet till the vanity/sink are installed so we're still without both till that gets cleared up*. meanwhile the magical whirlpool tub has a problem with the control box so the jets don't work and the aforementioned plumbing supply place didn't send a crucial piece of the overflow valve, so we can't use the tub to bathe (the shower works very nicely though).
• our one-and-only laptop broke on saturday which means no schoolwork for stephen (his latest class ends Wednesday and he has several assignments due) and no iTunes or Facebook for vacuous little me.

can anything else go wrong?

*as mentioned in a previous post, our plumber is not a small fella; think of the tallest guy you know and the broadest guy you know, put them together and then double it. that's our plumber. sweet guy, but built like Mr Snuffleupagus. our bathroom is, roughly, the size of a broom closet (5' by 9'?) and Prof. Plumber doesn't want to "seat" the toilet till the vanity/sink are done because he fears breaking tile and unseating the toilet while putting the vanity on. get it?

the Terrible Tuesdays

ok..."terrible" is way too strong a word, but i wanted a catchy title.
at the moment, brooklyn is completely dark; it looks like 9pm here, no exaggeration. i'm completely unmotivated to do...anything...and what little work i'm doing is being done on auto-pilot. i'm tired, i'm muscle-achey (yes Virginia, even a weekend of shopping at Costco and gay nookie can be considered an aerobic workout when you're completely out-of-shape).
i just wanna go back to bed...

"... there is no such thing as a straight man with visible abdominal muscles. It comes with the sucking cock... but it doesn't work for women. You know I tried, okay"~Margaret Cho

Blech.

“This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.”~ Douglas Adams

Because Somebody (Who Regularly Comments On My Blog) Thinks I'm a Bit Negative...

Everything's Coming Up Roses...For Now Pt. 2

at what point do you continue to count your blessings and not sit at the edge of your seat, waiting for the dam of good tidings to burst and bring forth misery? i'm happy and content and relaxed and enjoying my job/life; this does not make for fun, witty, clever blog posts...

This Used to Be My Playground

When i was a kid, summer was day camp, trips to the park, drive-in movies and Friendly's, staying up late, and sleeping in. summer was strapping on my blue Snoopy rollerskates, with the yellow wheels and stopper, and skating for hours on end. summer was riding my bike around the block again and again and again (till i was old enough to cross the street). summer was was my birthday (July 31st)which always fell within days of our neighborhood's block party and included a Baskin Robbins Circus Tent cake (Mississippi Mud and French Vanilla) with ice-cream cones on top that looked like clowns and toys, lots of toys.

As i got older the idea of summer changed, slightly: week long trips to Boy Scout camp, a weekend job at the local mom & pop video store, and then later on a volunteer position at the NY Aquarium, in the penguin exhibit. in all, summers meant staying outside for most of the day, getting brown as a nut, and recovering from nine months of school related stress with the few friends i had. i enjoyed summer despite my natural aversion to the heat. trucks selling soft serve definitely helped.

summers in college were pretty much the same, with the added bonuses of disposable cash from my mall job and friends with cars. we went to concerts and the beach, and hung out in the pool; every day was something new and different (as long as we didn't have to work that night). summer, which started in May and lasted thru September, was great!

after college, summer was Pride. summer was spending my days off cruising the beach and the woods for hours; having fantastic sex with good looking, scantily clad, guys. summer was going out five nights a week to the local gay bar, hanging out on their patio till they closed and still getting up for work at the mall the next day. summer was eating chicken rings and mozzerella sticks, in White Castle's parking lot, at 3am after seeing a drag show.

now, everything's different.

summer means schlepping back and forth between Staten Island and downtown Brooklyn, through furnace-like subway tunnels, five days a week. summer means sitting at a desk under fluorescent lights, getting text messages from friends who are at the beach or on vacation. summer means worrying that the central air is costing us hundreds of dollars a month because leaving the windows open, in July, in New York, is ridiculous. summer is fighting the urge to use vacation days and sick days, because i get so few that they're better spent on doctor's visits and waiting (in vain) for repairmen. summer means standing on 34th street, in the sun, on a line of 75 people for a fucking bus that never comes. summer means hoping we don't have plans on weekends, so that maybe i can sit outside in the sun for an hour to get a tan and stave off rickets. summer is hoping i don't look too ridiculous in shorts. summer is no different than winter, except that i wear slightly less clothes.

it makes me miss the penguins.

Regrets, I've Had a Few

so i did it.
i saw Lisa Ann, my hairdresser, on Thursday of last week and told her to buzz me.
i'm still torn as to whether or not i feel like an ex-con or a chemo patient like it.

eh. it'll grow.

the Award for Biggest Letdown of the Week Goes to...

the "chocolate chip muffin" without any chocolate chips in the muffin.

e tu, man in the box? e tu?

I'd Like to Thank the Academy...

for another waste of 3 and half hours.

Even Jon Stewart seemed to notice how stale, un-funny, and un-interesting the show was. endless and pointless montages (did they really need to show us all 79 former Best Actors, Best Actresses, and Best Pictures?), poorly performed songs (Kristen Chenowerth should be ashamed), lackluster acceptance speeches and bad jokes (Halle Berry vs Dame Judy?) made this one of the most forgetable Oscar shows i've ever sat through (second only to the year David Letterman hosted). granted, i didn't see any of the movies that were nominated for any of the awards, but still...the show itself was just dull. i guess we can blame the writer's strike. on the plus side i do want on seeing La Vie en Rose and Juno.

i regret staying up past my usual bedtime of 10 pm and not watching season three of Charmed (Shannon is finally dead and they've replaced her with Rose McGowan who's quite a little spitfire and not a half bad actress).

Irony

and today, i'm home sick.
i've got the worst cold in the history of medicine.
i'm freezing one minute, sweating the next...achey in places i didn't even know had nerve endings...i wanna die.

Hot Mess

totally not having it today...
i got shampoo in my eye this morning and it's still burns...my lips split right in the corner so every time i laugh, speak, smile, or frown it is incredibly painful. why they're chapped, considering the amount of water i drink in a day, is beyond me.

yes, i'm whiny and bitchy and just in a foul mood.
piss off.

**sniffle**ACHOO**sniffle**

in the four years i've been here, i've never been as busy and as frenetic as i was yesterday. if today is anything like yesterday, i'm not coming to work tomorrow.

on top of it, i've got a muthafuckin cold.

my head is congested, my nose is red and raw, my eyes are watering, my lips are chapped and it hurts my chest when i sneeze. i was so out of it and stressed, that i left my cellphone at work (yesterday) and my ID at home today. i almost left my wallet home too, but ran back to get it and then had to run for the bus.

i want to go home, curl up on the couch under the big rainbow flag afghan that a friend crocheted for me, with Rufus and the books i bought on saturday. i'm sure i could knock them all out in a day.

"Ugh. There's nothing more inconvenient than an old queen with a head cold"~ Robert Preston (Victor/Victoria)