"Do you hear that sound? That's your yarn...it's crying"~ Magenta Sequins

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

That's Just Super

once upon a time there was a little boy (for the sake of this story we'll call him KoolAidBoy). KoolAidBoy loved superheroes. he watched the Superfriends, Wonder Woman, Batman on TV and saw all the Superman movies. he would pretend he was the Flash when he ran outside, Aquaman when he was in the bathtub or the pool, etc. this kid was totally into superheroes. One Christmas morning, KoolAidBoy opened up what looked like a shirt box and got a wonderful surprise! Superman and Aquaman Underoos! KoolAidBoy was beyond ecstatic! he could now pretend he was a superhero even when he was at school! nobody would know that he had his secret costume on under his uniform! Santa was a genius. he wore his Underoos as often as his mom could wash them. they really were the underwear that was fun to wear.
like all boys, KoolAidBoy eventually grew up, and (of course) out of his Underoos. life went on, as it tends to do, but he kept his interest in superheroes and eventually began collecting comic books. he still watched movies, the occasional cartoon, and (naturally) re-runs and dvd re-issues of Wonder Woman and the Flash, but his days of wearing Underoos were long gone...or so he thought...
he happened upon an advert one day, when he was supposed to be working, for the new Adult sized Underoos. he was absolutely overjoyed! he wondered to himself (in a non-sexually deviant, nostalgic kinda way), How Cool is This!? then he looked at the publication date of the article and saw that it was from 2001. how odd. upon further research, he discovered no other mention of what seems to be the Holy Grail of Underwear, so he does what anyone would do, e-mail the manufacturer:

Dear Fruit of the Loom,
i recently read an article from 2001 about adult sized Underoos, what ever happened to them?

the reply:

Thank you for your e-mail regarding adult size Underoos. We appreciate your interest but adult size Underoos were never added to our line of products. Thank you for writing.
Teresa Sikes
Consumer Services
Fruit of the Loom
Bowling Green, KY 42102-9015

KoolAidGuy is obviously perturbed. He even brought it up to a few friends at a recent birthday dinner and was met with a few dubious looks (and, to be fair a few groans of displeasure that matched his own). his nay-saying friends contended that this was the sort of thing that child molesters and deviants would be into. KoolAidGuy was quite taken aback. it had never occurred to him that it was strange! maybe that's why Fruit of the Loom never released them.
it's been years since he pretended he was the Flash or Aquaman (7 was fun 30 is better), but he just thought it would be pretty cool to have an undershirt and matching boxers with either of their likeness, right? just to hang out in the house in while watching Bewitched or the Golden Girls; who knows, maybe KoolAidGuy's hunky older boyfriend would consent to wear his Green Lantern Underoos and they could have a classic Team Up :^)

"I'm more than a man, i'm more than a plane, mor than some pretty face beside a train. it's not easy to be me"~ Superman (Five for Fighting)


sissi said...

verry nice superman

N'il said...

I remember that article. I wanted a new pair of Wonder Woman Underoos. If you go to the magical land called Target - they have some pretty close seconds (at least for women), but, sadly, it's not quite the same.

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