Husband Material

The other day, a business associate called and, as is our custom, we chit-chatted for about 10 minutes prior to getting to the point of her call. See, she’s originally from the Jersey Shore and now lives in San Francisco, so she has this fantastic East Coast mentality with West Coast energy-thing, which I find both interesting and friendly. Having worked together for a number of years, she always asks how Rufus and CawfeeMate are doing, and refers to him as my “partner”; CawfeeMate, not Rufus.

Let me be honest (‘cuz, y’know, I’ve been lying this whole time): of all the ways that one could refer to CawfeeMate, “partner” is one of my least favorite (behind “special friend” and “roommate”); by now, most of you know that words matter to me. When I hear the word “partner” I think of two things: 70’s/80’s cop shows like Cagney and Lacey and Starsky & Hutch, where you were bound to hear one refer to the other as their partner when talking to a third party and Bewitched where Darren worked for McMahon and Tate; we always saw Larry Tate, but never his partner, _____ McMahon*. I’m a child of the TV generation; sue me.

Anyway, the point I’m driving at is this: to me, “partner” is such an emotionless and clinical term for a relationship; it purports that the relationship would not be there if the two people weren’t working towards a common goal and removes all romantic connotations. Even the alternatives provided by the MS Word Thesaurus sound decidedly unromantic (“associate”, “colleague”, “cohort”, “equal”, and “co-worker”). While one might certainly argue the homo-erotic subtext found in both Cagney and Lacey and Starsky & Hutch, the relationships were work related. That’s not my relationship with CawfeeMate; he’s my husband. Emotionally, spiritually and legally.


Granted, I do know other couples who are perfectly okay with the term “partner”. They’ve told me that their relationship is a partnership, where both people are working towards the common goal of building a home and a life together; that the term “husband” or “wife” is (mushy) semantics. I absolutely see their point: the relationship is the same no matter what it’s called; “a rose by any other name…” and all that. Still, when I look at my relationship with CawfeeMate, I see it defined by the language that I grew up with. I mean, though my parents were are certainly “life partners”, and worked together to build a life, but they were “husband” and “wife” to each other.

Now, don’t get me wrong, ten or fifteen years ago we would’ve had to settle for being called “partners” or probably "lovers**". And, though I’m sure we would’ve referred to each other as “husband”, that would’ve been with the caveat that the relationship was not recognized by any form of government, anywhere; only in our hearts and amongst our friends. It would’ve been, to paraphrase an old episode of Queer as Folk, entirely pretend. And don’t think, for a minute, that there wouldn’t have been people to put little air quotes around the word husband when speaking about our relationship; that happens now despite the fact that we’ve actually been married for over three years.

I guess it gets confusing for people not directly affected by the patchwork of laws and regulations that this country has become. I mean it’s hard enough being the person who doesn’t know if he’s married to his husband when traveling out of state; I can’t imagine being on the outside looking in, especially when you can never really be sure what kind of relationship the person you’re talking to is in. Maybe it doesn’t occur to people to ask, because they feel it’s impolite.

I’m sure the next time we speak; I’ll gently and politely correct her by referring to CawfeeMate as my husband. I know she’ll be cool with it and that I’ll only have to say it once for it to stick. Just as it was important to me that she knew, when we 1st started socializing, that my significant other is a man, I feel like it’s just as important that she sees him the way I do; especially with all the drama surrounding marriage equality. After nine years together and just like his doctorate, I think it’s a title that he’s earned. Plus, I still get a thrill every time someone else says it.

*ten princess points if you know his 1st name...
** a term which seems inappropriate and antiquated to me