Ring-a-Ding-Ding

I’m not gonna quibble over the semantics of the word “married” versus “committed” or “domestically partnered”; for all intents and purposes, on October 6th I will become a Sadie*.

Five years ago, the idea that I’d be getting married seemed like an impossibility. It was a very nice dream to have, but that’s all it was: a dream. Sure, Sh-thead and I talked about “forever” but after the 1st couple of months I could barely stand being around him for more than a couple of hours. It was apparent that our “forever” actually meant “till one of us smothered the other in his sleep”. When he and I were over, I went back to my old tricks. A creature of habit, I fell back into the same behavior I’d displayed whenever a relationship didn’t work out: I hooked up with whomever, whenever, wherever. I knew that I didn’t want to be in a relationship; that I wasn’t really ready to settle down with someone again, for fear that they’d turn out to be a liar or a jerk like Sh-thead was. Gradually, I fell into that dark place where I was sure that there was nobody out there for me; that I’d be alone for the rest of my life, cruising and slutting around till I died in my 80’s. It was all very melodramatic and “Miss Havisham Meets Belle Watling**” and incredibly internalized (I don’t think I ever shared those feelings with anyone, but my closest friends)..

Now, don’t go and think that CawfeeMate was the Gay Messiah that saved me from a life of self-pity and licentiousness; when we 1st started talking online, I was on a downward arc. I’d actually had enough of one night stands and was ready to get back in the game of dating. I’d went out with a couple of other guys with whom there was no “spark”; they were nice enough, but didn’t have it. then CawfeeMate and I started talking online and he tried everything he could to convince me that I wouldn’t like him. Not one to have his mind made up for him (and completely enamored by his picture), I told him that I was very open minded and would reserve all judgment till we met (in truth, I figured that at the very least I’d go our for dinner and make out with a hot guy). The rest is history: like one of the old ladies said in When Harry Met Sally,” you know; the way you know about a good melon”. I knew right away that he was “next boyfriend” and assumed that we’d be together till he realized what a loser I was (with my mall job and dank apartment). It wasn’t till later on that I knew he was the “last boyfriend”.

I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve gone through a lot of changes since we’re together. I miss hanging out in clubs and bars till the small hours, but not as much as I thought I would. It’s same thing with my job in retail; not that there’s anything to miss about retail. It’s amazing that something that was such a part of your life for so long could be so easily replaced. My point is that it’s starling how much your life can change in a few years, especially when you’re not expecting it to change or never thought that it could change. I guess what I mean is that even though I look back on my past and both smile and groan, the ide of my…our…future makes me both excited and nervous; like Christmas morning. If my life has changed this much in the last 3 years, what’s going to happen in the next 3? Or 30?

Whatever happens, I just hope CawfeeMate never comes to his senses…
*if this reference is completely lost on you, please refer to your Gay Manual’s chapter on Funny Girl.
**see the chapter on Gone With the Wind