Peter Emmerich's Sketchbook

don't ask me what made me think of him, but i went to HS with this guy (ok i was a geeky freshman when he was a senior, but still). i Googled him and look what i found! it's an absolutely fabulous and all-around fascinating site...
Peter Emmerich's Sketchbook

Happy Pride!

i'm a day early but since i won't be here tomorrow, i'm gonna kick off June (the official GLBT Pride month) a little bit early! Starting today i'm gonna finish off my entries with a quote from some smart-ass dyke, 'mo, or tranny. why? because most of us are funny as hell!
Happy Pride kids!!! go out and hug a homo today.

Btw: if you wanna learn WHY we use the rainbow flag and what the colors stand for, click on the title for a link to a little bit of queer history.

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. ~Rita Mae Brown

TBA

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. this is the 1st opportunity i've had to write, all day. that's the problem with 3 day weekends: when you get back to work you have to catch up on all the crap you missed the day before.
1st thing's 1st: X3. MAJOR LEAGUE dissapointment. i won't ruin the movie for you, if you plan to see it (or rehash it if you already did see it). suffice to say, i was very perturbed. as a comics/fiction fan, i hate (with every fiber of my being) when hollywood changes basic parts of a comic/book's history. this was the case with X3. basic parts of the X-Men history/mythology were changed (for no apparent reason). now, i can understand that they need to condense 30 years of history into a 2 hour movie, but this was just ridiculous. as a movie, apart from its comics history, X3 was sorely lacking. the characterization was blah, the character development was nil(i have to cofess that i really didn't care who won the war), the special effects were the same we've seen for the last 2 movies and the storyline was downright absurd. yeah i'll buy it on DVD, but only in the hopes that the Special Features include deleted scenes that fill in all the obvious softball sized holes in the script.
2nd: this thursday is my next MRI. stephen took off to accompany me, and john promised he'd come too. i have to say, i've been getting ALOT of support throughout and it makes me really happy. i'm truly surrounded by wonderful people. :-) also, i have my followup with the ENT on June 9th; he wants the results of the 2nd MRI, to make an accurate call as to what's floating around in my noggin.
3rd: this weekend is SI Pride! it'll be my 1st Pride on SI (this is the 2nd year they're holding their own festivities), and i'm really looking forward to it. don't ask me why :) i'd like to march in the parade, but stephen pointed out what was painfully obvious: we don't belong to any of the groups that would be marching; we don't like the small and bizarre clique of homos at the church we've been attending, we don't belong to PFLAG SI, and unless there's an Unaffiliated Chubby White Guy Posse that we don't know about we're screwed. i guess we have to stand on the sidelines and watch? that doesn't seem right. maybe we can trim our goatees and march with the Dykes Without Bikes. **shrug**
4th: wedding plans are progressing. we've found one place on the Island that looks doable. i e-mailed them today to see if our date is open. i have no idea how to approach this. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't nervous that we'll be chased out of every prospective hall by waitstaff with pitchforks and holy water. i can't imagine there are many places that would be willing to host a queer wedding.
5th: i finally saw Jenn this weekend! it's been almost 3 months since i last saw her and i was jonsing for my fix. there are very few people who truly get what's going on inside my head. Stephen is there 95% of the time (when he's not, i can usually explain my actions), but John and Jenn are usually there 99% of the time. it's truly amazing how well they both know me and how truly at home i feel with them. John i talk to all the time (and see almost as much), but Jenn has become a once-in-a-blue-moon kinda gal. it's just too damn hard to mesh our schedules together, with her out in God-Forsaken NJ and me on La Isla del Staten. i miss her :-( anyhoo. we met up for lunch on sunday (she and her hubby and me and mine). and it was like no time had passed at all. that's how it is with her. if i talk to her once a week or once a month, it's exactly the same.

i think that's it for today. i just needed a chance to breathe and get my bearings. i've been working like a mexican since i got here this morning and quite frankly, all the multitasking is making me dumber than a box of hammers. besides, it's about 110 degrees here and i'm sweating like Dingbat at the SATs. Maybe it's the 3 cups of coffee i've had since 7:30...

"Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor/not going left, not going right" Losing My Mind (the Pet Shop Boys)

Power Corrupts and Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely

Are you as excited as i am about the next X-Men movie? Ever since the ending of the 2nd movie, i've been chomping at the bit. We've been counting the days since we saw the 1st batch of posters, 3 months ago. Stephen bought our tickets three days ago on Fandango. I'm as excited as a kid at Christmas! Why, you may ask? it's the Phoenix.
ever since i 1st read about her, when i was in high school, i've been completely fascinated by her story: Jean the Good and Pure becomes Dark Phoenix the Cosmic Havoc Bringer and all purpose mega-bitch, crushing planets in her fiery claw. it gives me goosebumps. she's the most powerful force in entire Marvel Universe, she's utterly gorgeous and she's completely without reproach. i can only hope that her on-screen persona is like her comic book one.
the X-men themselves have always been fascinating to me: these powerful and often incredibly goodlooking (and let's face it: Built like Brick Shithouses) people are outcasts from society because of their genetic predispositions. they live in a world that fears and loathes them. oppressed by the government and living in fear of exposure. does this sound vaguely familiar?

"and god help you if you are a phoenix/and you dare to rise up from the ash/a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy/ as you're just flying past"- 32 Flavours (Ani DiFranco)

Pea Brained

i have to write this quickly as my one day off has left my desk in complete shambles. sadly when i'm not here, my work is left in the oh-so-capable hands of Dingbat. it's terrible, i loathe taking vacation days or calling in sick because i know that when i come back it'll be double the work. i swear to god. in the words of my father, that woman "could fuck up a wet dream". Digression over. i went to the ENT yesterday and here's what happened:
he looked at the MRI film and the synopsis and concluded that whatever is in my head is roughly the size of a pea. he couldn't give a definitive diagnosis without the 2nd MRI (with the contrasting dye), so he told me to come back with those results. he stressed that i shouldn't be worried, though (at least not till they know precisely what the pea-sized item in my noggin is).
so untill June 1st, i'm not worrying, stressing or losing sleep over it. :)

"I keep saying to my friends/I'd care if I had time to just give away/But I don't want to think about that/I don't want to think about that" Don't Wanna Think (Kristine W.)

If I Had Half a Brain...

i was asked by several loyal readers (you know who you are) to give some updates on my brain tumor (which shall henceforth be refered to as either my Brake Fluid, Bran Flavor or Brain Fever alla Soapdish)...
as of now, i still don't know jack. i'm going to an ENT tomorrow (no, not a spirit of the trees you Lord of the Rings geek, an Ear Nose Throat doctor). i'm stopping off to pick up the 1st MRI to bring him so that maybe he can shed some light. i'll be honest: i'm hoping that he spots something that my 1st doc hasn't and that it turns out to be a Polly Pocket that somehow got stuck in my ear when i was 7 which never found it's way out. yeah, i know, the odds aren't in my favor, but a guy can dream right? seriously, i don't think the ENT will be able to tell me much of anything, not if it's a neurological thing. But, i've got the appointment, so we'll see what he says.

Whatever he tells me, i promise that Thursday will bring more news.


"I just can't get you out of my head...every night and every day...i just can't get you out of my head"- Can't Get You Out of My Head (Kylie Minogue)

Fundamentally Fabulous

the Pet Shop Boys have a new CD out!!! **happy dance** it's about f'n time, too. i mean Erasure has been putting new stuff out for the last few years, so why not the Boys? granted their last couple of albums were an absolute SNOOZEFEST. i speak of course of Release and Nightlife, both of which were decent but not what one would expect from the geniuses who gave us Opportunities, West End Girls and Bilingual. Nightlife was kinda fun but a tad over-produced. the best part of the album was that miracle workers like Thunderpuss, Almighty and Peter Rauhofer completely turned half the tracks into dancefloor masterpieces (Petey's mix of I Don't Know What You Want...But I Can't Give It Anymore gives me CHILLS). Release on the other had was far more subdued and even crossed over into dull at points (do i really give a rat's ass about the Samauri in Autumn? no, not so much).
Their latest endeavor, Fundamental, is a complete back to basics triumph. There's wit (I'm With Stupid), there's glitz (the Sodom and Gamorrah Show) and there are even strings. The best part is: it's electric, it's orchestral and it's amazingly GAY. seriously, it brings to mind their other great songs (Bet She's Not Your Girlfriend, Delusions of Grangeur, Losing My Mind, What Have I Done to Deserve This). i sat on the F Train completely blown away at the 180 degree turnaround they've made. the only drawback is that the singles they put out last year (Miracles and Flamboyant) were not included. that's ok, though that's why god (and WBBF) have given me an MP3 player.
it's only out in the UK right now, but when it's finally released here, i URGE you to buy it, God knows I will.

"We're shameless/we will do anything to get our fifteen minutes of fame"- Shameless (the Pet Shop Boys)

The Charisma Chronicles

ok i was poking around Blogspot yesterday and happened upon this guy's blog. it's pretty interesting, but the jewel in the crown is the entry titled ABBA vs Joan Crawford. i was so wonderfully shocked and appalled. it's FABULOUS. please take a look...
The Charisma Chronicles

You Better Work.

i've got a problem. now, it's not a big problem, but it is a problem: it's my job.
i like my job very much. i like the people with whom i work (with the exception of Dingbat), the pay is good (of course, after having worked retail, getting paid in live chickens would be "good"), the hours are good, it's not terribly challenging or difficult work, and we have a really good cafeteria.
the problem is, as i mentioned in my last entry, i feel like i work in an industry without soul. i move people's money around. period. i have no idea who these people are, how they make their money, or how they spend it. i spend 9 and a half hours a day sending out checks and wires for people whom i've never met, to other firms, insurance companies and banks. for all i know they could be donating all their cash to the Resurrect Adolf Hitler fund or the Promise Keepers or worse still Scientology. the point is, i don't know. does this sound odd? let me explain.

i took this job after being laid off from my previous one (retail sales manager for a suit store). the company went under for reasons that still elude me (**coughTAXWRITEOFFcough**). after a nice 6 month haitus from the work force, a friend of mine from college asked me for my resume, which she gave to her uncle, and viola! here i am, nestled in the warm comfy womb of finance. no previous experience, no background in "the industry", nothing. nada. zip. now i send out multi-million dollar wires and checks every 10 minutes with the same mental effort i usually reserve for stirring my coffee.

this really isn't where i saw myself moving to when i left retail...ok i had no idea WHERE i was going, but still...i wanted a job where i helped people; where i was working toward making the world a better place. AIDS patients, gay run-aways. Trannies on crack. gay marriage, adoption or funding for AIDS. it wasn't till i met Stephen that i really examined the concept of karma; i always thought it was kinda hokey and new-agey. now that i look around, examine where i came from and where i am, i feel so empty. all my creative endeavors have fallen to the wayside (this blog is the most i've written in about 3 years), i haven't acted since i left college, any singing i do is usually either in the car or in the shower and i've never been much of an artist. i feel like i need some sort of outlet for my creativity that would also benefit "my community" (yup, i still believe in the gay community).
the sad part is i also would like to make a comparable salary to what i have now. talk about a pipe dream, right?
Stephen and i were discussing this the other day and he told me that i really had no idea how my job affected the universe. few people do. he said that i should really be thankful that i had a job, and thati was making quite a nice salary. i can't say he's wrong. it's true. the problem is, at the end of the day he (usually) has gotten an old lady to walk from one end of the room to the other, while all i've accomplished is moving 15/20 accounts from my firm to some other.
so here's my problem:
how do i find a job where i'm helping put food on our table while also feeding my soul? i truly do welcome any and all suggestions...

"Frankly Mr Shankly this position I've held/It pays my way, and it corrodes my soul"- Frankly Mr Shankly (the Smiths)

These Man-dles Are Made for Walking

This weekend i am participating in the AIDS Walk New York. It's probably the 8th year that i'm walking, the tradition having started when i was in college. At the time, my best friend, Jenn, and i thought it would be a great way to meet men (i would pick up the available and socially concious single gay men and she would get the sensitive gay-friendly hetero variety). while neither of us ever left with anything more than leg cramps or a slight sunburn, we always had a good time nonetheless.
like most traditions it's lasted and has taken on new meanings with time. Jenn is now a fabulous Chemistry Teacher/Married Lady in Bordentown New Jersey and hasn't been able to make the walk the last 2 years (family stuff, etc). She's always good for a donation, though and that's what really matters (though i have to confess: i really do miss the quality Jenn-David time that AWNY afforded us...but that's another entry for another day). Stephen, being the Worlds Best Boyfriend (henceforth known as WBB) has agreed to accompany me again, despite his discomfort/dislike for walking around Central Park for 4 hours.
i, on the other hand, have stopped going there to meet guys (i realized after the 1st year that when one is huffing and sweating at 8am is no time to be thinking of love). now i go because i honestly believe in what the Walk represents. I'm walking to raise money for AIDS resarch and support organizations. I'm walking because the government still doesn't give a flying shit what happens to fags who dies of AIDS (red ribbons have fallen out of vogue, replaced by yellow). i walk because i still hear about the rumors of what happens when queers donate blood. i walk because even though 8 years ago i didn't know a single person who was HIV+, now i know several. I walk because i had more than my fair share of scary experiences, waiting for a blood test to come back; praying that despite my many indiscretions and dalliences i would walk away unscathed. since i am negative, despite the debauchary of my youth, i owe quite a tremendous karmic and cosmic debt, which i'm hoping the Walk is helping to knock off (it's not guilt i feel, it's more a sense of thankfulness). i walk because i feel so shallow at my job; i work in an industry where i truly feel like i'm putting nothing of any worth out into the world/universe/cosmos that somehow i have to make an effort to be a good person.

hopefully this sunday will be as nice as the last couple have been. i'm sure i sent you an e-mail asking for a donation, and if you were able to: Thanks :-) i really do appreciate it. if you weren't, no hard feelings (we all have our own charities that we contribute to, and i'm sure you have yours. as long as it's not the Re-Elect George W Bush campaign, i'm all for it!). if you do still want to make a donation, you can e-mail me for the info or just hit up the link (the title) above.

have a good weekend :)

Potty Time

i work in a zoo.
at some point, every day, i am forced to use the men's room here at work. now, in case you don't know, i work for one of the most prestigious brokerage firms on the NYSE (new york stock exchange). i'm not going to mention which, just in case of, well..y'never know. here's the kicker, despite the fact that 95% of the men who work here are college educated and well dressed and maintained, that men's room is an absolute sewer. at least one of the stalls is usually flooded, there is toilet paper strewn about the floors, the toilet seats are oft splattered with various fluids and/or solids; there are never any paper towels to dry your hands.
as if the conditions werent' bad enough, there's the people. i've lost count of the times that i've walked in and saw someone with their pants around their ankles at the urinal, or overheard someone talking (hopefully) to themselves either in a stall or at the urinal (no, they aren't on cell phones). all in all using the men's room is, by far and above, the most bizarre experiences of my day.

What's That Funky Neuroma? Or: a Rare Case of Brake Fluid

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago. i had been getting these terribly annoying, shooting pains in my right ear. oddly enough, this was nothing new, as i've always had problems with that ear (ear aches and infections, etc). this is the price you pay when you're almost 3 months pre-mature. anyway, the pains had gotten worse and more frequent over the last couple of years, and my hearing seemed to be failing me more often than i cared to admit. granted, that may have been caused by spending one too many hours at Collesseum or listening to Johnny Vicious' mix of Kristine W's Stronger just a little too loudly, but i was concerned nonetheless. so off to the doctor i went. after a brief examination he seemed rather stumped. he gave me a couple of options as to what may be causing both the pain and the hearing loss and reccomended i go get an MRI. i went home and told stephen and like any good member of the health care system (and curious boyfriend) he asked to see the prescription, then asked me if i read it. shrugging i said that i hadn't really. it was then he pointed out that at the very bottom it said "RO Mass", which he translated as "Rule Out Mass". i panicked.
"What the hell does he mean mass "!? Stephen, calmly, explained that he probably wanted to cover all the bases and that it probably was nothing. Slightly relieved, i made the appointment and a couple of days later i had the MRI.
the test itself was alot like being in a tanning bed, without the benefit of the light bulbs. the banging noises left me slightly un-nerved (i'm very easily startled, like a horse) and to make matters worse they had on Sirius' Classic Rock station. the 25 minute test felt like three hours while Don McClean yodelled the 19 minute version of American Pie (also, half way through, someone left a voice mail message, causing my phone to bleat like a sheep till it was answered). all in all it was not a pleasant experience, but i made it through.
Fast forward two weeks (this past monday): the results are in!
whomever read the film has found something lurking in my head. my doctor is not quite sure what it is, so prefers to call it a Neuroma. his advice: sending me for another MRI, this time with the IV Contrast (which is some sort of dye injected into my ear to make whatever's in there appear more 3 dimensional). now is when i really panic. i call stephen at work and tell him the news. true to form, he is supportive and level headed. calms me as best he can and tells me that i shouldn't worry till after the 2nd MRI. we hang up and i do what any panicking person would do, i look up my problem on the internet. big mistake. this is what i find:

A neuroma is a non-cancerous, or benign, growth that arises in
nerve cells. This growth of nerve tissue can occur in various places of the body.Two common neuromas are acoustic neuroma, which occurs between the brain and inner ear, and Morton's Neuroma, which occurs near the toes. In most cases, it is a slow-growing tumor that does not invade nearby tissue. Acoustic neuroma is a type of brain tumor and belongs to the group called schwannomas, or tumors that begin in Schwann cells.

this is what i read:

A neuroma is a growth that arises in nerve cells. Acoustic neuroma is a type of brain tumor.

now i really panic. i call the 1st person i think of, my friend John, and i completely lose it on the phone. i start crying, freaking out and having an all purpose melt down(right here at my desk; it's amazing that none of my co-workers saw me). john calms me down enough to help me get
through the rest of the day. i get home and sequester myself till 6am the next morning, when we have to leave for work. yesterday was a complete blur. i got home and started cooking. all of a sudden i was hit with the most atrocious headache i have ever experienced. it felt like my brain was trying to push itself out through my left eye socket. stephen was nice enough to run out and get me some Tylenol or something. i was in bed by 8pm. sometime later, John came by (by then the Ibuprofen and Claritin D seemed to work out some deal with my brain). we joked and laughed for a while and then i went to bed.

that brings us to today, the 2nd appointment has been made (June 1st) and i'm feeling much better (now that i've stopped leaving out words from diagnoses). stephen has sat me down and told me the possible options (Gamma radiation or micro surgery).

now comes the part i'm truly dreading: the waiting. even worse than that: telling my mom...

Baby Fever

almost everyone i know is having a baby:

1. my brother and his wife of 8 months just announced that they are pregnant.
2. his ex-girlfriend (the mother of my niece) and her new husband are 6 months along.
3. my immediate supervisor just announced that she is 3 months pregnant
4. my other immediate supervisor's wife is ready to pop (we're betting on June 6th, just because...)
5. stephen's sister has a few weeks till she's due.

what's going on? is there something in the water? how is it that everywhere i look there are people breeding like bunnies?

Bing-Bong-Bing-Bong

it's happened at last:
Stephen and i have set a date for our wedding! October 6th, 2007
as it happens this will be our 4 year anniversary. yup, that's right, FOUR YEARS. as of today we know each other a little more than 2 years. isn't that scary? it scares the hell out of me! let me explain: i feel as though i know him FOREVER. it's totally bizzare how comfortable and un-complicated i feel with him. it was like that since the day we met, to tell you the truth. do you know how we met? online. yup. www.HotOrNot.com. is that not TRULY embarassing (he tells people he ordered me online)? it's a good thing we can't have kids, so they'll never ask (and the Yorkies won't care HOW we met). we e-mailed back and forth a few times, talked on the phone, and then set a date to meet at Cafe` Riazor in Chelsea. when we met, it was TOTALLY one of those Epiphany kinda moments. he was SO handsome and so sweet (he even gave me a little squeezy frog). we had such a great connection, right off the bat. we ate, drank sangria and talked. after dinner, we moved on to a little cafe up the block (stopping to make out at the Don't Walk signals), then we made out at the Cafe till they kicked us out (they were closing). yup we were that couple. the rest is history. i honestly don't think we've been apart for more than 24 hours since then. :-)
makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn't it?

Skipping Towards Maturity?

it hit me: getting older.

that's pretty ridulous when i stop and think about it, but i just got off the phone with Geico to get my very own car insurance. yeah i know, i'm gonna be thirty in a couple of months, i shoulda had my own insurance, like 10 years ago, but look at the facts:
1) i just got my drivers license 6 years ago.
2) i just moved out of Ma and Pa's house 4 years ago (then moved back FOR a year, after a year).
3) i just got a real job, a year and a half ago.
4) up until a year ago i had debt coming out the wahzoo.
a friend of mine had a revelation, not too long ago, that her life no longer fit into her car. This was her epiphany of her own maturity and responsibility. Now i'm looking around and all the signs are pointing towards some sembelence of stability and maturity:

1) i've been in a monogomous relationship for almost 3 years (September 24th). before this my longest relationship was barely 5 months (the last 2 were spent in totally different zip codes)
2) i've got a job that doesn't require a name tag or a folding board.
3) i haven't gone to bed on a weeknight later than 11pm in almost 2 years (if i do i'm completely useless the next day)
4) i've got my own garden.
5) i cook dinner 3 nights a week in my own kitchen.
6) i'm engaged.
7) my student loan is almost paid off.
8) i've got more hair on my ass than on my head.

when did this happen? when did i stop going out all night to clubs and bars? at what point did piercing my ear or tongue start looking like "something i should've done when i was a kid"?
i don't feel old (except for the occasional back pain and need for a nap). i still look around at people a few years older than me (40) and think "man he's old". are there kids in their teens look at me that way!?!

the phone just rang and i was called Ma'am. why couldn't it have been Miss?

Kristine W: the magic, the myth, the legend

have you heard of Kristine W? she's amazing. she's an absolutely outstanding songwriter and even plays the saxaphone on her CDs! she has about 20 club hits under her belt and is just an all around fantastic performer and person (a friend worked with her a few years ago at a Pride event and said she was too delightful for words). her lyrics are poingant and monving (I'll Be Your Light and The Wonder of It All) and often just plain old kick ass fabulous (Fly Again, Stronger, Lovin' You). She's been remixed by the best: Junior, Tony Moran, and Mac Quayle. check out her site: www.kristinew.com and i guarantee that you'll become a fan.

Confessions of a Tupper-Whore

i have a confession to make.
i love tupperware.
it's my mother's fault, really. she's had hers since she's married (going on 35 years) and i grew up with it. so fabulously versatile and flexible. it was microwavable before there were even microwaves! i get such a sick thrill burping (pushing all the air out while similtanesously closing the lid) the small containers. as luck would have it, i'm marrying a man with just as great a tupperware fetish as my own. when we met, i was amazed to see the Spaghetti boxes and Cereal Boxes in his cupboard. i almost fainted when i saw he had the Tumbler/Shaker. when he described how he'd been searching for years for the classic cheese shaker, i knew then and there that i had met the love of my life.
i bring this up because recently i found out that there was a dealer...i mean Tupperware Lady right here in the office. already i've ordered both the round and square Cake Takers from her (my mom was getting angry that i kept borrowing hers). guess that wedding is gonna have to be mighty small...

Welcome to My Head

hopefully you've read my profile 1st. this may explain alot ("may" being the key word). i'm not really sure what to write here. there's quite a bit bouncing around in my brain at the moment. here are the highlights:
1. i work with one of the stupidest people that god ever saw fit to thrust upon this poor earth. the woman is loud, vulgar, ignorant and just plain trashy. she drives me absolutely bat shit. she'll be referred to as Dum-Dum or Dingbat in later entries.
2. my boyfriend (stephen) and i are planning on getting married in about a year and a half (fall 2007) and we've done absolutely nothing in the way of planning yet.
3. why's it so bloody hot in here!?!
4. will i ever be able to get all my work done now that i've got the internet at work? god i hope so.
5. would Dingbat notice if i jammed my souvinier G-Cleff shaped Aerosmith Rock and Rollercoaster pencil in her ear?

i have to get some work done...this is ridiculous!