i've got a problem. now, it's not a big problem, but it is a problem: it's my job.
i like my job very much. i like the people with whom i work (with the exception of Dingbat), the pay is good (of course, after having worked retail, getting paid in live chickens would be "good"), the hours are good, it's not terribly challenging or difficult work, and we have a really good cafeteria.
the problem is, as i mentioned in my last entry, i feel like i work in an industry without soul. i move people's money around. period. i have no idea who these people are, how they make their money, or how they spend it. i spend 9 and a half hours a day sending out checks and wires for people whom i've never met, to other firms, insurance companies and banks. for all i know they could be donating all their cash to the Resurrect Adolf Hitler fund or the Promise Keepers or worse still Scientology. the point is, i don't know. does this sound odd? let me explain.
i took this job after being laid off from my previous one (retail sales manager for a suit store). the company went under for reasons that still elude me (**coughTAXWRITEOFFcough**). after a nice 6 month haitus from the work force, a friend of mine from college asked me for my resume, which she gave to her uncle, and viola! here i am, nestled in the warm comfy womb of finance. no previous experience, no background in "the industry", nothing. nada. zip. now i send out multi-million dollar wires and checks every 10 minutes with the same mental effort i usually reserve for stirring my coffee.
this really isn't where i saw myself moving to when i left retail...ok i had no idea WHERE i was going, but still...i wanted a job where i helped people; where i was working toward making the world a better place. AIDS patients, gay run-aways. Trannies on crack. gay marriage, adoption or funding for AIDS. it wasn't till i met Stephen that i really examined the concept of karma; i always thought it was kinda hokey and new-agey. now that i look around, examine where i came from and where i am, i feel so empty. all my creative endeavors have fallen to the wayside (this blog is the most i've written in about 3 years), i haven't acted since i left college, any singing i do is usually either in the car or in the shower and i've never been much of an artist. i feel like i need some sort of outlet for my creativity that would also benefit "my community" (yup, i still believe in the gay community).
the sad part is i also would like to make a comparable salary to what i have now. talk about a pipe dream, right?
Stephen and i were discussing this the other day and he told me that i really had no idea how my job affected the universe. few people do. he said that i should really be thankful that i had a job, and thati was making quite a nice salary. i can't say he's wrong. it's true. the problem is, at the end of the day he (usually) has gotten an old lady to walk from one end of the room to the other, while all i've accomplished is moving 15/20 accounts from my firm to some other.
so here's my problem:
how do i find a job where i'm helping put food on our table while also feeding my soul? i truly do welcome any and all suggestions...
"Frankly Mr Shankly this position I've held/It pays my way, and it corrodes my soul"- Frankly Mr Shankly (the Smiths)
2 comments:
Many people have jobs that sometimes forces people to do things they don't like (J has to help Focus on the Family, for example :P). Many people have jobs to get from day to day and put food on the table for their family. Rarely do people have a job where they feel that they have a purpose - where their brain is fully utilized, where they can use all their talents - and get paid well. Many times, you compromise one or the other. My suggestion is to not worry about finding a job to fill that need but to find other outside things, charitable things, like AWNY, or volunteering with GMHC. Even doing something like that makes you feel like you're making a difference somehow. Sometimes holding someone's hand, offering a smile, or spooning out food is all that one needs to fill that void.
I have so much to discuss about this - I've been thinking about your post since yesterday - I think we should just have a conversation in person - it would be so much easier and more satisfying than back and forth blog posts.
So for now, in the immortal words of Karen Walker:
"You'll do it the way any other self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus, and think of handbags!"
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