"Do you hear that sound? That's your yarn...it's crying"~ Magenta Sequins

Friday, July 22, 2011

R-E-S-P-etc.

This post probably won’t win me Miss Congeniality; it might actually be cause for the Boy Scouts of America to revoke a few merit badges and the ACLU to cut up my membership card.

I was heading home on the bus the other day and people were getting on, at various stops, along 42nd street. By the time the bus had hit 7th avenue, all the seats were taken, which is nothing new; usually, the bus home is packed, with only one or two empty seats. When the bus hit 8th avenue, the bus driver explicitly told the people waiting that the bus was full and it was SRO. Again, this isn’t uncommon, either; at least once a week, there are people standing in the aisle. Well this particular night, only one person opted to stand. He was a heavy set, older man (late sixties?), clearly as affected by the heat as everyone else. What struck me, though, is that he got on knowing there weren’t any seats available and then looked from passenger to passenger with an expression that I interpreted to mean “ok, which one of you is going to stand so I can sit”? I don’t know why I interpreted it as such, he never said that out loud (at least not that I could hear over my headphones), but that’s what my inner Jean Grey picked up. He just looked so…expectant. i won’t lie and tell you that I leapt up and gave him my seat, because that’s not what happened. I’ll admit, I was very tempted to give him my seat; but I didn’t.



It just seemed absurd to get on the bus when you know there aren’t seats available and then expect someone to give you their seat. Again, I recognize that he never actually asked me or anyone else to offer their seat to him; that was all in my head. It was the look on his face and body language that gave me the impression and allowed me to go back to my knitting. I can’t say I felt good about it, but I felt justified. In my mind, he got on expecting to be given a seat because, for whatever the reason, he was entitled to it. Getting on a bus, when you know you’re going to have to stand, and expecting to be seated is just evidence of poor decision making and shouldn’t be rewarded.


See, I have a problem with the concept of ‘entitlement’. I have a problem with person X expecting Y because he/she is Z; that they feel they deserve Y because they’re Z.

A better illustration of this entitlement phenomenon is that some women expect men to hold the door for them, but will not hold it for each other or for men, regardless of the circumstances. Furthermore, they rarely say ‘thank you’ when it’s held for them, which is what really drives me bananas. While I have absolutely, positively, no problem holding the door for anyone, thank me. Acknowledge that a) I didn’t have to let you go through the door before me and b) you weren’t raised by a crash of rhinoceroses. This especially bothers me when entering Starbucks, where when you let someone in before you, you’re letting them on line before you, too.

Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m not a heartless bitch who kicks old people of the curb to get a cab. Believe it or not, my parents raised me to be a gentleman and I really was a Boy Scout; so, reflexively, I will hold the door for women and give up my seat on the subway to people on crutches, severely pregnant women and the elderly . The subway is a different situation, entirely; it’s a fairly random event, so you never know if you’re going to get a seat or how soon the next train will come. I’ve got no problem giving up a seat for someone with no control over those circumstances and the risk of (further) injury, Ninety percent of the time they are appreciative, but that’s not why I do it; that just makes me want to do it again, the next time, for somebody else. To me, it’s all part of the exchange: I’m doing something nice for you, because I’m a nice person, you say ‘thank you’ because you recognize that someone is doing something nice.
Maybe it’s because, as a native New Yorker, I don’t expect random people to do nice things for me and I’m surprised when/if they do. I’ve never, ever, felt that I should be treated any differently than anyone else out there; in contrast, I’d really like to be treated more like other people. I shouldn’t receive special parking, special seating, tax breaks or job consideration because I’m not better or worse than anyone else; I’m exceptionally ordinary. I’m appalled at the fact that that there are people out there who feel differently; that having concessions made for them is their god given right, like marriage and being able to serve in the military.

Anyway, the guy from the bus realized, at some point, that nobody was going to give him a seat and, when it became clear that the trip through the city was going to take two hours, got off to find an alternative way to get home. I hope he got a seat on the subway or the ferry, I’m sure he felt he deserved it.

*standing room only

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