We're Here! We're Queer! We're Settling!

there exists in life certain balances that the universe needs to maintain in order to prevent reality from crumbling into the metaphysical ether:

life and death.
near and far.
agony and ecstasy.
light and darkness.
good and evil.
mickey and donald.

sort of like a gift-with-purchase, you cant have one of these without also having the other to balance the scales.

occasionally though, the universe throws us a curveball; a singularly unique experience which has no opposite number; no dark side (or bright side, as it were). take for instance Gay/Lesbian Television. it's all inherently awful. sadly there exists no good gay television...no sweet and shining Samantha to balance out the dark and malicious Serena...to balance out the crap.

take, for instance, the latest in addition to the crap heap, the Here! network's the Lair. would you believe it's a spin-off of Dante's Cove? I came across it in Netflix's archives the other day and thought "eh...what the hell; it can't be as bad as the Cove, right"? wrong. it's actually worse, if you can believe it. set mainly the Cove's local sex-club (doesn't every small town have one?), the Lair, the proscuitto-thin plot is built on the premise that the underground hangout for the Cove's S & M set is frequented by vampires. The ringleader of this merryband of cock/blood suckers is a Dorian Grey-esque character with a wonky eye and a tattoo of a seahorse. there's quite a bit more plot advancement than in the Cove, which is based on incredibly repetative dialogue (ie. "I think he's dead", "yes, he looks like he's dead", "that's how the dead look") delivered by actors who look attractive only if you blur your eyes a little while watching . i found out later, thanks to IMDB, that the entire cast is made up of porn stars, including (wait for it...wait for it...) Colton Ford. don't laugh...he's the best actor in the entire show...probably on the whole damn network. thankfully, unlike Dante's Cove, it's only 25 minutes an episode (10 of which are dedicated to the same Red Shoe Diaries sex scenes that it's parent show was known for). We're four episodes in and i'm not quite sure what the whole point is, but i know it's awful.

yes, gay television seems to be in dire straits. the more of these crappy shows we watch on DVD the more glad i am that we don't subscribe. i'd really be kicking myself if we shelled out more money to sit through such dreck. it's a pretty sad state of affairs when these shows make you miss the halcyon days of such awful gay stereotypes like Uncle Arthur on Bewitched, Billy Crystal on Soap and Men on Film from In Living Colour. at least with those shows the straight networks were pandering to us.

for now, all we have are the black-holes of the Here! and Logo networks, creating a disharmonious reality in the gay community.

a Work Conundrum

i've now been offered the supervisor's position, in my department, three times.

it's quite a coup considering that i've only been here since 2004, and came into this job with no experience whatsoever. i know i'm well suited for the job (despite some minor deficiencies in operational know-how which could probably be overcome in a week's worth of training), and that it would eventually lead to further promotion, raises (taking the job now, however, would not come with a raise additional to the sizable one i received before christmas) and eventually a set of initials after my name. the problem is i have absolutely no desire to do the job.

taking the promotion would mean infinitely more stress, since i'd have a staff (with the exception of 2 people) of completely useless individuals under me (namely, Merlin and Dingbat). it would mean a minimum of 10 more hours a week, on top of the 50 i already put in. as i've mentioned before, i thoroughly dislike this industry; i find it soulless and empty. taking the promotion would also mean that i now consider this my career. i don't know if i'm ready to acknowledge that this is where i'm going to retire from.

i look at my supervisor's supervisor (Cunty) and i cringe; yes she's stunning and has a beautiful house and car, but she's miserable; with a bleeding ulcer, an almost non-existent personal life and two beautiful Yorkies whom she never sees. is that what i want?

Another Charming Weekend

another nice, chill weekend; r & r, laundry, food shopping. mostly it was sitting around, basking in the warm glow of our latest DVD obsession, Charmed (a series that can best be described as the not-so-thinking-man's Buffy).

The writing is akin to that found bad comic books and 2nd grade plays, the acting is slightly more believable than gay porn, but the cast looks fabulous and i'm pretty sure that back in the day it was used mostly as a platform to show the world that little Samantha Micelli (Alyssa Milano) has finally grown up and now has fantastic abs. i vaguely remember that somewhere down the line Shannon Doherty gets whacked, and honestly i can't wait. not so long ago MS pointed out to me that she's got one eye which is significantly higher than the other and now it's all i can see when i watch her "act" (well, that and the rather large expanse of ribcage residing between her breasts which appear to be coming from under her arms; why they kept putting her in "cleavage tops" is beyond me since Audrey Hepburn had more cleavage than poor old Hammerhead Doherty). it's fun watching how many ways she can manage to cock her head to one side to create the illusion that both eyes are level. i don't think i'd mind her character so much if she wasn't such blatant regurgitation of Brenda Whats-her-face from 90210 only with telekinesis; in short she's a royal bitch for no apparent reason. i'm not sure how she dies, but i hope it's painful.

anyway, we just started season two and despite the previous paragraph and the complete lack of any gay characters (though the show is set in San Francisco) , i'm enjoying it immensely. it's a nice change of pace from the comparatively weightier shows we usually watch on DVD, like Charlie's Angels and Fantasy Island.

"Where's Buffy when you need her?"~ Phoebe Halliwell (Alyssa Milano)

Test Day: Feeling Significantly Dumber (but only 'cuz everybody else's IQ is higher than mine)

Your IQ Is 100

Your Logical Intelligence is Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average Your General Knowledge is Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Latte` for Work

CawfeeGuy: Venti-Five-Shot-Skim-Caramel-Latte, please.
Starbucks Guy: Sure thing. *starts pulling shots* that's alot of espressso...
CG: yeah well...i like my lattes strong.
SbG: but wow...5 shots...
CG: **shrug**
SbG: did you know that takes up half a venti cup?
CG: um...no.
SbG: yeah...lookit that!
CG: i wouldn't have it any other way.

Test Day: Orange Ya Glad It's Friday?

You Are an Orange

You have a zest for life, especially for anything colorful, wild, or dramatic.You have a unique take on the world, and you're not afraid to be a little funky. You are a bit reserved toward people who don't know you well.You have a thick skin, which can protect you from anything that goes wrong in your life. Once someone does get to know you, they totally get and appreciate you.Your friends see you as a bright person with a refreshing take on life.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

**sniffle**ACHOO**sniffle**

in the four years i've been here, i've never been as busy and as frenetic as i was yesterday. if today is anything like yesterday, i'm not coming to work tomorrow.

on top of it, i've got a muthafuckin cold.

my head is congested, my nose is red and raw, my eyes are watering, my lips are chapped and it hurts my chest when i sneeze. i was so out of it and stressed, that i left my cellphone at work (yesterday) and my ID at home today. i almost left my wallet home too, but ran back to get it and then had to run for the bus.

i want to go home, curl up on the couch under the big rainbow flag afghan that a friend crocheted for me, with Rufus and the books i bought on saturday. i'm sure i could knock them all out in a day.

"Ugh. There's nothing more inconvenient than an old queen with a head cold"~ Robert Preston (Victor/Victoria)

Ironically Sad Thought of the Day

most of my Christmas bonus will pay for Rufus to be...fixed.

Shocked

i can't say i was a fan but still, it's a terrible shame.

TuesdayWednesday: Brought to You By the Letter "R"

Relaxed. Rested. etc.

this was a well spent and eagerly anticipated three day weekend (**golf clap for Dr. MLK**) and i would've written about it yesterday had i not gotten to work feeling like my head was stuck in a fishbowl and then been inundated with work. honestly you'd think the amount of crap i had to do yesterday was penance for having off on Monday. anyhoo...

this weekend we finally took down our Christmas decorations, (coincidence?) and a reasonably attractive European (Russian? Italian? French?) carpenter came to fix (read: trim off some superfluous top molding) the "mexican-rustic" entertainment center that stephen purchased after the wedding. he only removed about 5" of top molding and yet the room no longer seems overtaken by the gargantuan thing (pictures tomorrow); now we can load the damned thing up with DVD's and tchotchkes. very excited am i.

concurrently, we swung by Pier One on Monday and found the most wonderful area rug (again: pictures tomorrow). a quick phone call to mom (apparently, New Years Day has been forgotten) and an hour later it was warming our toes on the living room floor and Stephen's old, ugly, unidentifiably stained one was making the dumpster up the block look cozier.

we got some quality puppy time and some much needed laundry time in and went into the city to meet with the cops (who roll their eyes and swear that our dispute with Celebration Studios is a civil matter and not a criminal one, and refuse to take a report). since the cops were fairly obstinate, the meeting only took 10 minutes which left us time for a leisurely walk through Chelsea where we stopped for lunch (see yesterday) and i hit a gay bookstore for some supplies.

wish i could write more, but i'm just not up to pontificating...

Things You Only Hear in Chelsea...

"Dude, you dress like Debbie Gibson"~ Random Faggot #233 (overheard, Saturday, while dining at my favorite Chinese restaurant of all time)

Strange But True: Dating in the New Millennia

Me: So, I'm sorry i was so self-absorbed this week, that I never got to ask how your non-date was last week with your neighbor...

Uber-Fabulous Carrie Bradshaw meets Helen from Kissing Jessica Stein friend: not so great.
I'm 95% sure he didn't leave any kind of tip at dinner (who does that?!) and l---h made me have 'the talk' before we hit it again and well... that went well... not. I had to hear all this whining about the ex-fiance and how hard it is blah blah blah and we're good as friends blah blah blah and I'm all 'friends who eff?'
and he's all 'yes but tonight I feel fat and bloated and I'm going home'
and I'm all, 'you take me to dinner on a saturday night, don't let me pay, and you're not gonna put out?! sheesh.'

Me: ROFLMAO. That is AWESOME in a TOTALLY Flip-Side/Alternate Universe kinda way. "I feel fat"? what straight guy has EVER told a sure thing "I can't tonight...i feel chubby"?

UFCBMHFKJSF: AND BLOATED - don't forget bloated - between that and the tip thing I am totally turned off. I am glad my lack of sex life could provide you with some Friday laughs. Whatever.

Me: I'm laughing WITH you. Btw: would it peeve you immensely if I posted this convo on my blog?

Test Day: Blogging for Life

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary.If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

"She doesn't want to live off-camera, much less talk. There's nothing to say off-camera. Why would you say something if it's off-camera? What point is there existing"~ Warren Beatty (Truth or Dare)

Leo: Catch up on corresponding with people you've neglected; call, email or send a greeting card; you'll lift a few spirits.

regular readers of my scribblings can expect a SomeEcard (except for the ones for whom i do not have an e-mail address).
everyone else should become a regular reader.

I'm Not Alone in the Blogverse

who knew there was another CawfeeGuy? in an understandable typo, i e-mailed Justin the wrong address for my blog.

now he's calling me Dirk.

Fucked Pt 3 & 4: News

ok ok ok ok
here's the latest and probably the last you'll hear about this debacle for a while...

• NBC (local) news did a story on the Studio the night before last.
• we've not retained a lawyer but the one who's handling the class action (which hasn't been accepted by the court, yet) has our names. i'm not quite sure how we get them added to the list for the class action, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
• stephen found the photographer who was contracted by the studio to photograph our wedding! there's apparently a Yahoo Group (Fucked Over By Celebration Studios or something) and while perusing all the bulletin board posts, someone had posted his number!
• long story short: he has the pictures but was never paid by the studio, so he wants $850 for a CD with all of them. he also works with another, hopefully reputable, studio which will make us albums and stuff for another $1500.

i'm content (and incredibly relieved) just knowing that we can contact him and that he has the pictures and that he's going to hold onto them indefinitely. we've got alot of other responsibilities right now (Stephen's tuition, a new transmission), so getting the pics will have to be put to the back burner.

Fucked Pt 3

i can't think of what to subtitle this, so i'll just get on with it...

stephen went media crazy, calling several newspapers and TV stations; we've got an interview with the one of NY's larger newspapers later today (they had wanted to send a photographer too, but i vetoed it).

it turns out that we are definitely not the 1st couple to be fucked over by the Studio; there's a Yahoo group devoted to this which has seen a drastic increase in membership over the last month. it seems that the members of this group have retained a lawyer and are part of a class action lawsuit; that's one bandwagon i'm quite happy to jump aboard. coincidentally, stephen has a dentist appointment near the law office, so he's going to stop by.

in other news, a few of our friends/family have let me know that they have pictures and have been e-mailing me with either the files or links to snapfish, etc. i'm feeling more relieved.

Fucked Pt 2: Regret

i dunno when i'm going to learn that stephen is (almost) always right (we're talking 98% of the time).
he was concerned about this over a month ago and i waved it away with my pollyanna "everything is fine...these things take time"/hearts and flowers bullshit.

i should've listened to him and gotten this ball rolling then.
maybe we'd have something to show for it.

i never do, though. i persist on giving people the benefit of the doubt and playing silver lining to his clouds, despite the number of times i'm wrong.

Fucked

the photography company is gone.
and no, not like Judy Garland and the Rat Pack mean gone.
actually gone.

after three weeks of leaving messages and sending e-mails we find out that they've cut all ties with the company that they were supposedly partnering with. after some frantic, impassioned pleading, the 2nd company was able to give me an address for them in Clifton, New Jersey. after a 2 hour drive (it should've only been 45 minutes, but predictably, we got lost), we showed up to a pretty-much-abandoned office building, with steel security doors and shutters.

after banging on the door, a terribly upset woman stuck her head out; she was the building's owner. apparently, the owner of the company fled in the middle of the night leaving her with over $10,000 in back rent. we told her of our $3000 dilemma and after frantic begging not to tell anyone, she let us into the office space to look for our photos. we had 15 minutes*.

they obviously left in a hurry; the office was a shambles. no computers or phones, but the desks were littered with piles of papers and expendable office supplies. huge industrial shelving lined the walls, floor to ceiling, each one with about 100-150 boxes of people's photos. names and wedding dates were on sides. there were three other couples looking for their photos; one bride was crying. half an hour we left, empty handed, but with a promise from the building owner that she'd call us if she came across our names. i guess i trust her.

I did my freaking out in the car…then when we got home, we called the Better Business Bureau; the Clifton-n PD (who told us to call the NYPD and the NYC Board of Consumer Affairs). we're going to try and piece together an album from the magnificent pictures we've already gotten from Brian, and i may even try to rig a thank you card using one. i dunno.

later today i'm going e-mail as many of our friends/family and ask them to send us whatever pics they happen to have...

*it's illegal/unlawful for the building's owners to let anyone in and take anything. in the interest of maintaining their anonymity (lord knows i don't wanna get them in trouble) i've deleted all mention of the name of the photographer studio from my blog.

Test Day: Take this Poll and Shove It...

78% John Edwards
77% Dennis Kucinich
75% Mike Gravel
73% Hillary Clinton
71% Barack Obama
69% Joe Biden
66% Bill Richardson
65% Chris Dodd
41% Rudy Giuliani
37% Mitt Romney
29% John McCain
28% Tom Tancredo
26% Mike Huckabee
26% Fred Thompson
20% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

Magenta Sequins is Good for the Soul

you've got deep, dark, soul chilling secrets; i know you do. Secrets like lip synching to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart when you're home alone (you even have choreography), or that you've got a third testicle. You've got secrets that keep you up at night and force you to never be alone in a quiet room for fear that the guilt will rip you apart (like the time you ate an entire box of Mallomars, after watching Glitter dubbed in French, without smoking pot 1st).

you need to get these secrets off your chest, but where do you turn?

the church? nah, too judgemental?
a shrink? nah, too expensive.
your friends? hell no, i'll they'll just post it on my their blogs

you need to go to the Sequined Confessional.

no judgement. no recriminations. no posting other people's dirty laundry.

Test Day: A Musing

Your Inner Muse is Euterpe

You are most like this muse of music.While you may or may not be musical... You love music and set life to your own personal soundtrack.And you are good at making anyone's heart sing!

Which Muse Are You?

Thrilling Weight Watchers Fact of the Day

3 Tootsie-Pop Miniatures = 1 point!

FINALLY

Holy Crap!
there's finally a CD and and a DVD!


i am so hitting Best Buy after work.

it makes me doubly excited for the concert on Saturday!

Weight a Minute 5: Flush the Pounds Away

After 1 week i'm down 4 lbs (ok...it's 3.9 but i forgot to take off my ring...). this is why i love Weight Watchers: immediate results from subtle changes in behavior.

most notably, i'm back to drinking way too much water throughout the day. how do i know? i spend more time at the urinal than at my desk.

c'est la vie. i'll gladly sacrifice quality internet shopping time to fit back into my True Colors Tour and SF MoMA t-shirts.

Frangelica: Year One (Pt. 2)

as promised:

the 1st three are actually from New Year's Day. check out those soulfully huge eyes and the three teeth.

the fourth is from yesterday.
really though, how many people can carry off a tutu with such aplomb?

Frangelica: Year One

yup, my little angel is a year old today. we were invited to my brother's for cake (mind you, not dinner; just cake). i foresee an extremely short visit.

on christmas, i was told that the outfit we bought her was probably going to be her birthday dress; if being on her father's shit list hasn't taken it out of the running, i'll post a pic or two tomorrow.

My Not-So-Gilded Cage

a friend of mine was curious what it looked like where i work, well here's a little tour of CawfeeGuy's desk:

to the extreme left you can see our department's Christmas tree (since it was put up the week before Christmas, it'll probably stay up till Easter).

Next you see my winter penguin; a gift from a co-worker (the girl who sits to my left and has a fetish for pigs, as evidenced by the 6 in plain sight).

my PC with the Keith Haring desktop.

my MP3 player with amplified speakers to drown out Merlin and Dingbat.

to the extreme right is my New York Aquarium mug (a parting gift from when i volunteered there in HS during the summers) with my Christmas Moose sitting inside, guarding my paperclips.

a small collection of pictures: Squirt, Stephen, Frangelica, John and Chris.

our save-the-date magnet.

pic of Rufus at 8 weeks old.

a fabulous turtle magnet that Jenn and Brian brought back from a vacation (possibly their honeymoon).

a different magnet a co-woker brought back from a trip to Cancun.

my Harry Potter mousepad.

yup. this is where i spend 10 hours a day. every day. day in and day out.

i need a plant. a bamboo or a cactus or something...alive...

*Yawn*

it's tuesday and i'm completely unmotivated to do...anything...even remotely resembling "work". i'm tired and feeling a little sick (some kind of cold-like-thing, irritating my sinuses) and despite having been up for two hours, i could quite easily crawl under my desk and take a nice long nap.

it must be post-holiday malaise.

Nothing Says January Like a Pair of Flip-Flops

ironically, over Christmas Eve dinner, my father-in-law vehemently denied the existence of Global Warming. he says it's greatly exaggerated by the liberal media. i almost choked on my lasagna.

Test Day: I'm an Acquired Taste

People Like You... Sometimes

You are liked, but only when people are able to overlook your faults. Deep down, you are a good person, but you definitely have some obnoxious tendencies. So step back, and try to figure out when people aren't responding to you positively. A few simple changes could make you a lot better liked! What People Don't Like About You: People don't like that you seem unnatural and stiff at times. You sometimes give off an impression of being standoffish or fake. People don't like that you can't defend your values and beliefs. You seem unreasonably stubborn. People don't like that you're not very interesting or engaging. You often bore them... and yourself. What People Like About You: People like that you take the them to get to know them and make a connection. You make people feel important. People like that you take responsibility for your actions and admit your mistakes. They appreciate your maturity. People like that you give them support and strength. Friends know that they can count on you to be there for them.

Do People Like You?

um....a little help here...please...?

Strike a Pose Pt. 4: Nervous

we were married 13 weeks ago, this saturday.
we were told that we'd receive our proofs in 4-8 weeks.
about 4 weeks ago we received an e-mail letting us know that our photography studio merged with another company and that they were going through a transitional period; we should expect to receive our proofs, either in the mail or via internet link, within 2 weeks.
i've held stephen off from calling and screaming ("it's the holidays, honey...", "they're going through a transition; it's gonna take some time", etc.).
i've now called them 4 times and left four messages; each displaying less patience than the last.
additionally i've sent them three e-mails with mounting levels of urgency.

i've still not heard a word from them.

Test Day: You're My Type

it looks like years spent slutting around on AOL and AIM paid off...

53 words

thanks BL for giving me yet another bit of fun to steal.

God Bless You Cinnamon Jenkins (or Without You I'd Be Bored Shitless at and Forced to Work)

i now sit around sending e-cards, from this site i found on your blog, to my friends and co-workers.

i'm sure MS would thank you too, since she has been volleying them back to me since yesterday and lord knows she doesn't wanna work.

Irony Pt. 2

t-shirt woot has this in theirmost recent derby:

i hope it eventually makes its way to the top of the list, 'cuz i'd wear it with aplomb.

and no i can't read what it says; i had to ask stephen. i thought it was a joke, but apparently the joke is on me. if you can't read it either, then let me know so i can bask in the solidarity.

2008: Making Me Long for the Peace and Tranquility of 2007

well it's the 2nd day of 2008 and so far i'm not impressed.

as it stands, i started back on Weight Watchers this morning (5 shot-venti-skim-caramel latte: 5 points). i'm definitely not stressing over it; i only want to lose 10 lbs. last year it only took me 3 weeks to lose 10 lbs. i know i can do it. nope not worth stressing over.

the fact that i'm not talking to anyone in my family, that's something to stress over. actually, to be more accurate, i'm not stressing. i'm upset and numb all at the same time, but i'm not feeling stressed over it.

stress is what i feel an hour before and several days after i spend more than 20 minutes with them. stress is what i felt yesterday at dinner, gathered around the table. stress is what i felt when i stormed out of the house, and drove home. stress is what i felt when my mom called an hour later to complain that stephen didn't say good night after he followed me out with my sweater/jacket.