Trans-Formation

once upon a time, in a mall not far enough away, i worked with a man named Bob. Bob was (and probably still is) a strangely religious Filipino man, old enough to be my father. on one particularly slow day, Bob walked up to me and proceeded to make small talk for the better part of half an hour. he told me how he had been at a barbecue/party over the weekend and had met a man he thought i'd be interested in meeting; a doctor. well, 1st of all i was amazed that Bob had thought to fix me up with a Doctor, and was even more surprised that he was bringing it up (he didn't like talking about the "gay-thing"). so,i asked him to tell me more about the Doctor and it became clear that this wasn't a fix-up, this was a 3rd party medical consultation. apparently, Bob and the good Doctor had discussed, at length, my sexual reassignment surgery.

flabbergasted doesn't even begin to explain how i felt. he was completely unable to wrap his mind around the concept that "homosexual" and "transsexual" were two completely different things. it took me another half an hour to convince Bob that i was very happy being a guy and that my penis and i were looking forward to a very long and mutually satisfying life together, in search of other penises to play with, thankyouverymuch. since then, i've been asked more than a couple of times if i ever wanted to be a woman and i've had the same conversation with them that i did with Bob. granted, i am fascinated by people who have (or are in them midst) of sexual re-assignment, but it's in a sympathetic way, not a commiserating "i've felt that way too, sister" kinda way. i'm interested in their journey of self-awareness and exploration, since it's one that i've similarly experienced as a gay man.

after my initial knee-jerk reaction of shock dies away, i've been known to think on whether or not i would have ever wanted to be a woman. i mean i'll readily admit that i adore drag queens and would love to be able to pull off drag, but that's a bit different, isn't it? drag queens aren't women nor do they purport to be. Being a drag queens is, in essence, a role which one plays. they're the super-high definition-coked up-technicolor-surround sound-artifice of "Woman" (or Whoa-man). and yes, Virginia, there are drag-queens that are trannies in the middle of transitioning, but i think they're the exception and not the rule.

growing up, i knew i wasn't going to be a virile or powerful man like Starsky, Hutch, Lee Majors, Beau or Luke Duke, so i identified with the strong female characters on TV (ie. Wonder Woman, Charlie's Angels and Bewitched). i think it was because they very unlike their male counterparts; they were able to temper their softness with strength, power and intelligence. i don't remember a non-guy's guy on TV that wasn't a joke or sissy, so the next best thing was a strong woman. even then i knew it was strange, but i did the best with what i had to work with. i never actually wanted to be the women i watched, just be like them: clever and strong without resorting to brute strength and toughness, and occasionally getting to sleep with Tom Selleck.

so, while i definitely never wanted to be a woman, i can certainly understand why one would. i love women. my female friends are wonderful and offer perspectives completely unique based on their own experiences in the world. i think women and gay men share alot more in common then most would care to admit, since we're both trying to navigate and negotiate in a "straight man's" world. we both know a thing or two about office politics, unrequited crushes on oblivious straight men, weight problems, body obsession and eating disorders.

maybe that kinship explains the whole "fag hag" phenomenon...

"Girls can wear jeans/And cut their hair short/Wear shirts and boots'/Cause it's OK to be a boy/But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading'/Cause you think that being a girl is degrading/But secretly you'd love to know what it's like/Wouldn't you/What it feels like for a girl"~ What it Feels Like for a Girl (Madonna)