the Long Awaited "Post About Death"

yup. this is the one you've been waiting for. you knew it was gonna come eventually, so here we go. let's cut right to the chase:

the priest who performed the actual funeral scared the living shit out of me. his entire homily was about how Stephen's grandfather ("Red"), was met in Heaven by all the loved ones and family that had gone on before him. now, it wasn't that i'm afraid i won't be let into their version of Heaven...i'm actually hoping i won't. i'm hoping for a sort-of Gay Club Med with frequent shuttle buses to Straight Town USA (a nice place to visit, but why spend an eternity there?). no...the thing that scared me was that should i die tomorrow there would be nobody at the Gate to greet me (except for my long dead Schnauzzer, Susie, and an even longer dead iguana, Henry).

as i've mentioned before, we're the black sheep of our clan and i hardly know any of my extended family. my grandparents have all been dead for quite some time, but i barely knew any of them. my mom's father died before i was born, and her mother moved to Florida when i was 10 and then died while i was in college; my memories of her are fuzzy, at best. my dad's mother was in a nursing home with severe Alzheimer's all the years i could remember and then died when i was about 12; i can count on one hand the number of time i met his father, before his death when i was 13.

why would they come and welcome someone they don't know?

this anxiety about family (or my lack-thereof), was with me since wednesday evening when we found out that Red had died. after work, i met stephen at his grandmother's house. there were quite a few people there, making the requisite condolence calls. the following day, i met him after part one of the wake, again at Nana's house, and it was a mob scene of family. i've never seen so many people, bound by blood or marriage, in one place. it was the same over the next couple of days. swarms of people came to pay their respect to Red, his widow and their immediate family. my head was spinning from all the introductions to cousins and aunts and uncles. it's inconceivable to me that people interact and communicate with their families like this. it's also completely and thoroughly upsetting.

while the priest was babbling on, using metaphors about marathon runners welcomed at the finish line, i couldn't help but cry. somehow, i've gone 30 years without having anything more than a passing relationship with the people with whom i share blood and a last name.listening to him, i couldn't help but feel such a complete and total sense of loss and fear, which were allayed much later on when i told John how awful i was feeling. his response was very quick and very simple:

"i'm your family...for what it's worth"

you'd be surprised how much it is worth.

later that night at i saw Jenn at the Pampered Chef show were doing for one of her friends. we've not seen each other since New Years and the 1st hug she gave me helped to crush the rest of the fear and anxiety. it's amazing how potent a hug can be from both her and Stephen. they're the only people i know who hug well enough to squeeze all the stress, hurt and sadness out of me.

by the end of the evening, i had all but forgotten how alone i had felt hours before.

(they all better die a few minutes before me, so i have someone to meet me at the gate)

"And I'll be your light/I'm shining in the darkest night/I'll take you to a higher place burnin' so bright/I'll be the song that moves you when all hope is gone/I'll give you strength to carry on/I'm burnin' so bright/I'll be your light"~I'll Be Your Light (Kristine W)