Homo Alone

i haven't slept alone in about 2 years...maybe more. yesterday, Stephen had a conference/training seminar on Long Island, lasting two days, so he spent the night at his parents, rather than drive back and forth to Staten Island. it was only a night, but it was...unpleasant. while i have no problem being alone in the daytime, music blasting, making homemade ice cream (maple crunch) and tidying up, watching AbFab and playing gameboy on the couch; being home, alone, at night is...well...scary. the thing is, i'm afraid of the dark.

g'head and laugh, but it's true.

when i was a kid, it was easy. up till i was about 12 i slept with a teddybear. he was a Koala whose nose had been gnawed off by our schnauzer. he was small but i felt a certain sense of security. i gave him up shortly before high school because, well, that's just what a guy does, right? besides, i shared a room with my brother till my senior year of high school. it wasn't till college that i got my own room, but there was always someone in the house with me. even when i was living with John and Chris, somebody was always home. if not, i'd find a suitable "replacement bear".

i never lost that fear of the dark, though.

without my usual soundtrack playing, all i heard were a host of sounds i didn't need to hear; creaking, thumping, dripping; fingernails dragging along walls, things scuttling about. i woke up 3 times last night thinking there was somebody in the room/house. despite having a candle lit (it's the gay man's night-light), and shutting all the closet doors, tightly, i was convinced something was trying to get out. a homo-cidal clown, perhaps or a vampire or the giant preying mantis/closet monster. don't mock, i've watched enough Buffy to know what's lurking out in there...

if that wasn't bad enough, i was cold; all night long. i've mentioned it before, but stephen is like a 5'6", furry hot water bottle; radiating warmth, all through the night. without him there, it was chilly. it was the kind of chilly that a sheet, blanket and down comforter couldn't fight off. sure, i could've gotten up and closed the window, but usually Stephen would've, and then come back to bed and snuggled with me, till morning or till i get to hot, whichever comes 1st.

the next time he has to be away from home, over night, i'm coming with him. i do not like sleeping without my teddy bear.