An Open Letter to D (or This One Goes Out to the One I Loved)

think back about ten years.
we met on AOL, like most gay boys in the late 90's; i think i was going by CawfeeBoy2 at the time, or maybe TruthsDarkMirror. in one night we chatted for quite a few hours, then a couple more the next night, etc. i'd never clicked with somebody, so quickly, just by chatting online. it was truly astounding how much we had in common. then, one night about a week or two later, my parents were away, and you asked me to come over. so, being the naive kid i was, i hopped a cab and met you at your apartment on the other side of the Island.

you'd sent me pictures, but nothing prepared me for how completely handsome you were: my age (22? 23?) with thick dark brown hair, incredibly large brown eyes, a very Italian looking nose and a wide mouth; you were stocky and short, but with broad shoulders; not a gym boy, by any means; Staten Island's version of the boy next door. i fell for you completely, and then fell your pull-out couch. the sex was amazing; you were amazing.

when it was over, and we lay back cuddling and talking, you said what i had been hoping to hear from another man my entire life: "i could fall in love with you". only what i heard was "i could fall in love with you". you had me. i was yours, lock stock and barrel. i went home later and walked on clouds for the next 2 days, till we were supposed to hang out again. the next time we spoke you told me you had to fly to Oregon for a family emergency. the short visit turned into a permanent move (i don't remember all the specifics) and i never saw you again.

we talked on the phone once a week (your voice was like black velvet even over the phone) and you told me that you'd be back and we'd be together; that you loved me and wanted to marry me. i grew to care about love you despite the difference in time-zones. i sent you letters and care packages filled with my still-adolescent, angst filled love poetry, mix tapes, candy and my favorite silver ring (the one with the small suns and moons on it). about a year (maybe two) later you told me you were coming back to New York to visit and i was so excited! the trip fell through. a few months later you invited me to Oregon for a week. i was all set but then couldn't make it. later, i met a guy and we started dating; i stopped calling and writing and i don't think you noticed. it finally hit me that you weren't coming back and we'd never see each other again and that i'd been a total ass for the last year (maybe two).

all the fantasies i had about us being together faded with time. your face never did though, and i sometimes see you at the mall or on the subway or in the supermarket. i usually turn away.

i'm older now, and i'm in love, again. it's different than that 22 (or 23) year old "1st" love.
it's solid. it's real and tangible. it doesn't consume me, it sustains me.
it's the love i thought i was feeling at 22 (or 23).

i hope you're doing well, wherever you are. i'd love to know what you've been up to for the last few years; especially if you're happy. i'd love for you to meet Stephen; i'm sure you two would hit it off (if he didn't try and cut you). Anyway, i do hope you're happy...or (at the very least) as happy as i am.