Just Get Me to the Church On Time

ok so yesterday, instead of working, i was browsing around Blogger and i came across a blog about a guy who had come out after having been married (with children) for quite a number of years. i skimmed through some of the posts and found it very well written and terribly interesting. as expected, there were links on his blog to blogs written by other gay men who married women who either came out and/or are coping with it. i took a quick look at them, too but wasn't able to get a good read.

the reason i bring this up isn't to pass any kind of judgement or anything like that; so if that's how this comes across i apologize in advance.

back when i was single and spent way too much time cruising, if i had to estimate, i'd say that 95% of the men that i hooked up with (read: had sex with) were married. they didn't even bother to hide their wedding rings or the baby car-seats in the back of their SUVs. now, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying all married gay men go out and double dip their chip at the local cruising area. like i said: i'm not judging anyone; it just surprised me at how many married guys were there. married guys having affairs with other women i get; the flavor of the month is very tempting when compared to what you have waiting at home and i'm sure strange pussy just tastes better. i'm not condoning, i'm just saying that i understand men's rationales.

how do you marry a woman when you know that you want to have sex with men? how do you reach a point where after 1-2-3+ kids you realize that you're gay? it really boggles my mind.

maybe it's because i'm terribly self-aware, and knew so early on that i wasn't like the other boys. it wasn't something i could ever hope to hide from other people let alone, myself. my coming out wasn't really much of a surprise to...well..anyone but i felt compelled to wait till i was 20 to start the ball rolling; the final coming out to dad was as inevitable as the sunrise, it just took about 5 years to happen. i just can't wrap my mind around what it would've been like had i just went through the motions of dating girls (ok there were only 2, but still...) only to reach the inevitable conclusion of getting married. would i have been able to consummate the marriage? i'll be blunt here (for a change) and tell you that the only times i've ever seen a woman's vagina was either from a porn magazine in the 8th grade or the egg-launching stripper at my brother's bachelor party. technically i'm still a virgin. the idea of having to have sex with a woman is as foreign and repellent as having sex with a pitbull. having kids the old fashioned way is definitely out. furthermore, how long would i be able to go without having sex with other men? would i be one of those guys who sneaks off and cruises after work, or goes online and browses porn in the den while wifey's asleep?

again, i'm not judging the guys who do live that way, i'm just thinking about how awful that must be. i have to say, i really applaud the guys who are able to come out while married, despite what must be terrible repercussions and alienation from their immediate families and extended. coming out is "difficult" under "normal" circumstances, to do it after establishing and maintaining a life with your own family and friends...i just can't imagine that.

the only thing i could ever conceive of being worse is never doing it at all...

Please allow me to try and explain/I'm living proof that man can change/I knew what I wanted/I knew how to get it/It didn't make it happy so I started again/What I wanted to be was a family man/but nature had some alternative plans/So I did without the lot put emotion on hold/and hoped my instincts would do what they were told/But every now and then/often at night/a particular feeling would surface in spite/of what I told myself and tried to deny/I kept on asking the question: why?"~ Metamorphosis (the Pet Shop Boys)