Wishful Thinking

I'm a simple and reasonable guy, i think. I really don't want alot in life. If Aladdin's genie gave me three wishes, I'd probably be at a loss for what to do with the third one. In fact, with my birthday having just passed, I found myself wishing for only two things when it came time to blow out my candles: time and money.

a New Leaf

totally inspired by Julie & Julia, which i finally saw this weekend, i'm making a solemn vow to blog daily. granted, my posts may be in the form of really quick notes or Facebook-esque haiku, but it's better than nothing, right? right. besides, with my iPhone, i can pretty much do anything, and i've got oodles of commuting time, so rather than simply reading other people's self-indulgent prattle, i'll use that time to throw my own out there.

Boys On the Side

Once upon a time, it was 1970. We were here, queer, outta the closets and in the streets. In the Boys in the Band, we were also on the big screen showing the country "exactly" what it meant to be a Big Apple Faggot: self-mutilating, self-pitying, self-loathing, vain, shallow, hateful and miserable people.

the huz and i sat down last night and watched it, again. i'd seen it once, a number of years ago and he'd seen it a couple of times over the years (and always maintains how much he dislikes it). after 2 viewings, i have to admit: i like the movie. like one of the characters say, halfway in, "it's like watching a car wreck; you don't want to look, but can't look away". i like it the way i like Desperate Housewives and Dynasty: marginally good looking, barely 3 dimensional, people doing awful things to each other while drinking heavily and trading wickedly funny verbal barbs at each other; it's like watching Queer As Folk: the Movie, with that '70's sense of "beautiful" (even ugly, paunchy people, with crooked teeth and bad noses, were sex symbols); and, just like QAF, i'm sure both gay and straight people watched it and took it as gospel truth ("god, how can they call themselves 'gay' when they're so unhappy") but, that's the power of the mass media. i'm also pretty sure it spawned a whole generation of faggots that walked out shaking their heads thinking "if that's what it means to be queer in the city, i'm stayin' in muncie" (if it even made it to muncie) and haven't been heard of or seen since (except in truckstop and department store restrooms).

this movie was the anti-Stonewall.

it's also a wildly entertaining, compelling and thought provoking melodrama and definitely in the Top 10 Must sees of Gay Cinema experiences; if for no other reason than as a reminder of who we were, who we thought we had to be, and who we should never become.

Tuesday Afternoon DVD Review

Sex and the City: the Movie
ok...i'm the last person on earth to see this movie, i realize that, get over it. long story short, i loved it. loved everybody in it. loved the people i hated. loved the clothes. loved the hair. loved the make up. loved the male frontal nudity. just plain loved it. just like the series, it made me laugh and cry and scream and laugh and cry s'more. it was the long awaited cherry on a deliciously fabulous chocolate sunday. it left me feeling both satisfied and nostalgic. don't rent it...go out and buy it.

"The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don't know how to screw you"~ Sex and the City (Samantha Jones)

Thursday Morning DVD Review: Jesus Camp

the 1st time i heard about this documentary was when it was nominated for an Oscar, a couple of years ago and i'll admit, i was intrigued. i find Crazy Christers funny/sad in the same way i cringe while watching reruns of He-Haw and Jerry Springer; why would you want to put yourself out there and show the world your backwoods ignorance? i dunno . Anyway, for some reason, NetFlix recommended it the other day and so i added it to our queue.

i can honestly say i've not been so moved by a documentary since the Laramie Project, which (though, i guess not technically a documentary) left me feeling sad and angry. Jesus Camp, though, left me feeling profoundly disturbed. seeing kids, as young as five, screaming and wailing for Jesus to overturn Roe vs Wade, speaking "in tongues", and denouncing their "lack of faith" is just scary; listening to doe-eyed little girls proselytize*, denounce dancing as "sinful", talk about "hearing god" and their "gift of prophecy" was almost as frightening as those kids in the Grudge, the Shining, & the Ring.

growing up Roman Catholic, faith was something i kinda took for granted: you believe in God. everybody believes in god. he's everywhere (like the CIA), so don't piss him off or you go to hell (which is like Florida, but without air conditioning or Disney World); all kids go to heaven, because they're kids and how much sinning could they possibly do (before puberty kicks in). the devil existed only in cartoons where he sat on Donald Duck's shoulder, wearing red pajamas and carrying a pitchfork; he wasn't disguised as Harry Potter (not that we had Harry Potter, in those days, but you get the idea).

it's apparent that the Evangelical Christians view the US as the current battleground of a holy war; us versus them, the damned versus the saved, and they're enlisting early; out of the womb and into the pews. if this movie is any indication, the next wave of the Faithful are being spoon fed doctrine and politics with side orders of shame and hate and seasoned with a heavy dose of anger and fear. i recommend this movie, if for no other reason than to have a peak at the next generation of GW Bush's, Pat Robertson's and Ann Coulter's and the subculture in which they're being reared (which is filled with Bizarro world versions of Sesame Street where the evils of the evolutionary theory are preached against and Metallica sings about lovin' the lord, and ordinarily product placment t-shirts proclaim Jesus as the King).

the best thing about it is that i'm sure the Evangelicals and Right Wing Crazy Christers view it as a love letter; an honest portrayal of their movement which is fueled by manifest destiny and armed with the word of the almighty. i can imagine them watching it and thinking how fantastic it is to watch the next generation being shaped in their own image, before unleashing them on a world that's rotting and pustulating with sin and corruption. they find it as moving as the Left finds the warping and twisting of kids disturbing and unsettling...

*don't think, for a minute, that the irony of the Crazy Christers going out on "recruitment drives" is lost on this faggot.

Homo Alone II: One Less Egg to Fry

so, the hubby's away on business; some conference-thing in Boston. i'm alone for four days. now, before you ask...
yes i'm ok.
yes i'm eating.
no i didn't forget to feed/water the dog.
part of me is a little miffed that a couple of people have insinuated that without stephen i'm unable to function. as it stands, everything's going according to plan. laundry is getting done, dishes are being done (no we still don't have a dishwasher...i don't wanna talk about it), the house is...clean...though definitely not neat and the garbage has been thrown. now, i'll readily admit, i depend on him for alot; i do. he bears the brunt of alot of the cooking and puppy patrol, but only because he leaves later in the morning, and gets home from work 2 hours earlier than i. if i worked closer to home, i'd be right there getting the car serviced and picking up the dry cleaning. as it stands, i'm lucky if i get home in time to make a 7:30 haircut appointment.

i think i do ok on my own and have to confess that i like the time apart, somewhat. i like having all the windows open (he's an air conditioner guy), my music on while i'm cooking and tidying up, getting to watch movies and tvd's that he wouldn't usually sit though (ie. All About Eve and Queer as Folk) and falling asleep to my iPod.

well, trying to fall asleep that is. last night was the 1st night i've slept alone since his last trip and it was almost as enjoyable. it was really dark and cloudy out; no moon to brighten the room through the skylight. had we not agreed when we got the dog that he'd never sleep in our bed, Rufus would've been right there next to me, a living teddy bear. sadly though, he slept downstairs in his crate and i in a bed that's way too big for one person, in a room that's way too creepy at night. i was able to rationalize that he'd act like an "early warning" alarm, in case something tried to use the front or patio doors.

i did wake up a couple of times, at car doors slamming and voices coming from outside, but fell back to sleep pretty quickly, without texting stephen or even turning on the lights. it was cold without him, with the window wide open and the ceiling fan on (usually i'd poke him and tell him i was cold and he'd turn the fan off), but i made it through the night...like a man...without even a candle burning.

that's one down, three to go...

"Get over it - the zombies are going to eat you whether Stephen's there or not"~ Magenta Sequins

Prince Charming

while watching an episode of Charmed (Season Six):

Stephen: why is "Evil Wyatt" so much hotter than "Good Wyatt"?
CawfeeGuy: evil is always hotter than good...
S: but why?
CG: i dunno...it's the whole temptation thing...you wanna sleep with Evil, you wanna bring Good home to your mother.
S: hm. Evil swallows.
CG: yeah. With Good you have to play "Just the Tip".

<-Good Wyatt Evil Wyatt->

neither picture does either actor justice

30 Second Update

Mom's doing well; she's been home since sunday and has, over the last few days, become more like herself again. she, dad, stephen and i are going out for dinner tomorrow night, so things are definitely back to normal.

as i mentioned in the iPod post, i found out last week that i am still employed; and have not been subject to a pay cut. my department will survive the "transition" (no snickering) and i plan on coming here till they tell me not to. the latest rumor is that we're being moved from brooklyn into manhattan. that's a move i'd gladly make.

i fixed a major iPod problem last night: all my music playing at different volume levels; somehting which was quite maddening. thanks apple for posting the instruction book on your website (but not including it in the box). i also bought season 1 of Futurama and a song or two from iTunes...just to check them out. truth to be told, i wasn't overly impressed with iTunes selection of movies or tv shows; granted i only took a quick tour. we'll see what the future brings...maybe Maude.

Behind the Times DVD Review

Check out the Logo network's Rick & Steve; we rented Season 1 from Netflix and laughed our asses off! it's like that wretched South Park show, only...funny.

the best part? voices by Peter Paige, Wilson Cruz, Margaret Cho and Allan Cumming!

We're Here! We're Queer! We're Settling!

there exists in life certain balances that the universe needs to maintain in order to prevent reality from crumbling into the metaphysical ether:

life and death.
near and far.
agony and ecstasy.
light and darkness.
good and evil.
mickey and donald.

sort of like a gift-with-purchase, you cant have one of these without also having the other to balance the scales.

occasionally though, the universe throws us a curveball; a singularly unique experience which has no opposite number; no dark side (or bright side, as it were). take for instance Gay/Lesbian Television. it's all inherently awful. sadly there exists no good gay television...no sweet and shining Samantha to balance out the dark and malicious Serena...to balance out the crap.

take, for instance, the latest in addition to the crap heap, the Here! network's the Lair. would you believe it's a spin-off of Dante's Cove? I came across it in Netflix's archives the other day and thought "eh...what the hell; it can't be as bad as the Cove, right"? wrong. it's actually worse, if you can believe it. set mainly the Cove's local sex-club (doesn't every small town have one?), the Lair, the proscuitto-thin plot is built on the premise that the underground hangout for the Cove's S & M set is frequented by vampires. The ringleader of this merryband of cock/blood suckers is a Dorian Grey-esque character with a wonky eye and a tattoo of a seahorse. there's quite a bit more plot advancement than in the Cove, which is based on incredibly repetative dialogue (ie. "I think he's dead", "yes, he looks like he's dead", "that's how the dead look") delivered by actors who look attractive only if you blur your eyes a little while watching . i found out later, thanks to IMDB, that the entire cast is made up of porn stars, including (wait for it...wait for it...) Colton Ford. don't laugh...he's the best actor in the entire show...probably on the whole damn network. thankfully, unlike Dante's Cove, it's only 25 minutes an episode (10 of which are dedicated to the same Red Shoe Diaries sex scenes that it's parent show was known for). We're four episodes in and i'm not quite sure what the whole point is, but i know it's awful.

yes, gay television seems to be in dire straits. the more of these crappy shows we watch on DVD the more glad i am that we don't subscribe. i'd really be kicking myself if we shelled out more money to sit through such dreck. it's a pretty sad state of affairs when these shows make you miss the halcyon days of such awful gay stereotypes like Uncle Arthur on Bewitched, Billy Crystal on Soap and Men on Film from In Living Colour. at least with those shows the straight networks were pandering to us.

for now, all we have are the black-holes of the Here! and Logo networks, creating a disharmonious reality in the gay community.

Another Charming Weekend

another nice, chill weekend; r & r, laundry, food shopping. mostly it was sitting around, basking in the warm glow of our latest DVD obsession, Charmed (a series that can best be described as the not-so-thinking-man's Buffy).

The writing is akin to that found bad comic books and 2nd grade plays, the acting is slightly more believable than gay porn, but the cast looks fabulous and i'm pretty sure that back in the day it was used mostly as a platform to show the world that little Samantha Micelli (Alyssa Milano) has finally grown up and now has fantastic abs. i vaguely remember that somewhere down the line Shannon Doherty gets whacked, and honestly i can't wait. not so long ago MS pointed out to me that she's got one eye which is significantly higher than the other and now it's all i can see when i watch her "act" (well, that and the rather large expanse of ribcage residing between her breasts which appear to be coming from under her arms; why they kept putting her in "cleavage tops" is beyond me since Audrey Hepburn had more cleavage than poor old Hammerhead Doherty). it's fun watching how many ways she can manage to cock her head to one side to create the illusion that both eyes are level. i don't think i'd mind her character so much if she wasn't such blatant regurgitation of Brenda Whats-her-face from 90210 only with telekinesis; in short she's a royal bitch for no apparent reason. i'm not sure how she dies, but i hope it's painful.

anyway, we just started season two and despite the previous paragraph and the complete lack of any gay characters (though the show is set in San Francisco) , i'm enjoying it immensely. it's a nice change of pace from the comparatively weightier shows we usually watch on DVD, like Charlie's Angels and Fantasy Island.

"Where's Buffy when you need her?"~ Phoebe Halliwell (Alyssa Milano)

Latest DVD Obsession: Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

thanks Netflix!

3 Episodes in and here's what i've learned...

1. Gil Gerard was the hottest man in television in 1979. Lee Majors who? Tom Selleck what?

2. this was, basically, soft-core gay porn. between Gil/Buck's chest hair revealing shirts and skin tight pants, i don't know how this show stayed on the air as long as it did without being axed by the censors. sidenote: apparently bears were very well received in 1979's version of the 25th century. we're talking hairy chested, "regular guys", in every episode. woof.

3. Dr. Theopholis (the "Simon" looking computer which hangs around Tweekie's neck) was a big Mary. 1st episode: "you're an extremely attractive man, Buck", 'nuff said). concurrently, Tweekie is shaped like a penis.

4. Beautiful girl + Feathered hair+ lip gloss = evil

5. Erin Gray never has "helmet hair".

What I Learned About Women From Watching TV (shows on DVD)

some (supposedly) smart women are actually really really stupid (or just make really stupid choices):

Some women are really really hot and could should be much bigger stars than they are

Some women really should be left on a raft in the middle of the ocean never to be seen again...

this post is brought to you by Season 3 of Grey's Anatomy, House MD, and Season 4 of the L Word, Best Buy and Netflix; without whom we would be forced to sit through the endless repeats of Everybody Loves Raymond and CSI that seem to be on every channel, all the time.

8 Days 16 Hours 38 Minutes: Major Crisis Averted

so, last night, we were sitting on the couch watching episodes of House (Season 2) and Desperate Housewives (Season 3), while waiting for the premiere of the Bionic Woman, when i happened to casually glance at the copy of the ceremony, which the celebrant had sent us about 3 or 4 weeks ago, lying on our coffee table. the cover page didn't look right. something was off. after a couple of minutes staring at it, i realized that she'd spelled Stephen's last name wrong. no biggie, especially since it was a document that only the wedding party would see. then i realized what else was wrong. the date on the cover page was "Sunday, October 7th". somehow, after a year of preparation, almost weekly e-mails, and three revisions of the ceremony, she had the wrong date. i called her straight away, and told her about the "typo".

nope. not a typo. that's the date she had on her calendar.
luckily she did not double book the 6th, though she assured me that if she had she'd still make sure that our ceremony was covered.

we're meeting her tonight at the hall to have a last minute pow-wow about the ceremony; mostly for the sake of blocking and spacing.

i don't think i can take any more "surprises".

"Gotta love the wedding drama! This is normal darling...Try to relax, and unclench your sphincter. I can feel it from here."~ John Michael (the Best Man)

Irony

of course, now that my wallet is running on fumes, i find what i want....

and then there's this (not that i could ever rationalize spending $400 on a man purse bookbag):

like my mama always told me, "champagne taste; Schlitz pockets".

Every Year...

it's July.
that means my birthday's coming again (on july 31st).
the BIG Three-One.

i do feel a little older than last year, a little wiser, a little slimmer. Thirty-one isn't nearly the big deal that thirty was. i don't mind it as much.

now, i've already had a couple of people ask me what i want for my birthday and rather than say, "aw nothing! just to spend time with you is enough for me", and since we didn't register for the wedding, i'm putting it all down on a convenient list. i hope you appreciate my greed coupled with diligence.

i'm old goddammit, just make me happy before i die:


Absolutely Fabulous Season 1 and/or 2 on DVD: i gotta have my Patsy and Edina. it's been too long, and i can't deal with the old VHS copies i got from Jenn when i turned the big Two-One (i like the symmetry of this, don't you?).

t-shirts: think back a couple of weeks and you'll know which ones. i don't mind dupes; a boy can't have too many Aquaman or Green Lantern shirts. there's also the Militant Homosexual look, too (check out Cafe Press) or just good ole fashioned queer (again...Cafe Press).

books: is it a coincidence that my birthday and Harry Potter's birthday are the same day? no. it's a sign that somebody who loves me should buy me the new book which comes out every year or so on or around my birthday. there are a ton of other books out there that i'm looking for, the new Tales of the City (sorry BL, i can't bring myself to buy it, and deprive someone an easy gift ), and Robert Rodi has a new novel out When You Were Me. honestly if you go to Alibris. i've made it quite easy for you.

gift cards: always the right color and size; Best Buy, Starbucks, Target or Amex fit the best, though.

is it greedy? maybe.

is it tacky? possibly.

but, this list is coming on July 5th, after having about 3 hours of sleep (between the fireworks and the huge thunderstorm afterward) i'm feeling a little testy and vulnerable.

i'm sure i'll remove it when i'm in a better frame of mind...

Axed

so, per a random text message from DJ John Michael(who no longer has time to read my blog):

Noah's Arc got cancelled

coincidence?
no.
kismet?
no.

inevitible (and overdue).

We're Here...We're Queer...We'll (Apparently) Watch Anything!

gay tv sucks.

i give alot of credit to Showtime, Queer as Folk and the L Word were/are very well written, even at their worst. you never watched the show, rolled your eyes and thought "this is so ridiculous", even when Ted was being fucked in a sling by crystal queens or Alice wouldn't give up the life-sized Dana Fairbanks cutout. the dialogue was always real and the plots were always realistic, which really makes one care about the characters. that's the way to build a fan base. it feels like networks are relying on the fact that a show is "gay" to build it's fan base, regardless of how crappy it is.

thanks to the good folks at Netflix, the hubby and i have been indulging in one of our favorite passtimes: watching TV shows on DVD andthis past weekend, 2 new series arrived in the mail: Logo's Noah's Ark (Season 2, Disc 1) and Next's Dante's Cove (Season 1, Disc 1). Let's talk turkey...


thanks to john, we watched Season 1 of Noah's Arc a couple of months ago. it started off really bad (bad acting, bad writing, boring story) following the lives of four black gay men in LA, but (to be perfectly honest) got alot better by the season's end. by the end of the season, i almost cared what happened to the unbelievably irritating and terribly unattractive femme Noah, his incredibly hot and thuggish boyfriend and their small group of friends who seemed to be the love children of Queer as Folk and Soul Food. the addition of Wilson Cruz (a favorite of mine since his days of My So Called Life) to the cast made it worth watching, too. he's a terriffic actor who made the most of his character and helped you forget how silly the dialogue sounded. somehow, the writing seemed to get better. It was still brain candy, but it was endearing and better written brain candy. Sadly, Season 2 started off just like Season 1 and by the end of the disc, i stopped caring again. we sent the disc back and are now wating for disc 2 to come. i hope it gets better...


i'd seen ads for Dante's Cove in Chelsea, on phone booths and in the subway, but i wasn't too sure what it was about. the ads looked like all the other ads for gay movies or tv shows or cologne: pretty men in beautiful (yet forboding) locales. unbeknownst to me, the Here! Network released it on DVD, Netflix started carrying it, and Stephen added disc 1 of season 1 to our queue (that's alot of stuff to happen without one knowing it). i'd heard very little about the series, but when Stephen briefly described the plot, i knew what to expect: more bad gay TV. i wasn't quite prepared for the hot mess that is Dante's Cove, though. think Buffy crossed with Passions crossed with (what else) Queer As Folk. it's all about dark magic, hottish men, the occult and some lesbians. everyone looks about 10 years older than they're pretending to be; all the men where the latest from International Male and the girls seem to go around bare-chested alot. as for the writing, they've overcome the hurdles of bad dialogue and poor plot development which hold back shows like Noah's Arc, by keeping both to a bare minimum. there's about 5 minutes of plot/dialogue/discourse sandwiched between 15 minute porno-style sex scenes (most of which take place on the beach). i'm not sure where "the Cove" is, but it must be hot as Satan's balls, 'cuz when they're not sexing, they're sweating. hell, even when they are sexing, they're sweating. not "getting you off is a fun aerobic workout" kinda sweat, mind you; we're talking full on dripping like the town whore at the Methodist Family Picnic kinda sweat, Paris Hilton at the SAT's kinda sweat, y'know? everyone is very shiny...all the time. having watched only the 90 minute pilot, i can't imagine what the rest of the series is like.

i'll admit, i don't subscribe to either Logo or Next, and if either of these shows are any indication of their original programing, i'm kind glad though. i guess i've fallen into the trap the networks have set for me however, 'cuz i'm going to continue watching both shows on DVD and turn a blind eye to the gag-factor. why? because they're gay. i feel like a puppy, picking at whatever crumbs i'm thrown. maybe that's what gay people are, starved for entertainment and grabbing at whatever scraps are tossed out. we don't worry about quality, we're just happy we're getting anything at all 'cuz it shows that someone cares about us...

i just wish we could up our standards, y'know?

My Latest DVD Obsession...

since we finished both Buffy and Angel series, there's a gaping hole that can only be filled with serious '70's detective "drama", big hair and bigger bell-bottoms. perhaps someone can convince Joss Whedon to ressurect Charlie's Angels...

i remember when i was a kid, my brother and i would fight becaue he wanted to watch the Dukes of Hazard and i wanted to watch Charlie's Angels. ironic that now, i'd much rather watch young, strapping Tom Wopat and John Schneider run around in skin tight jeans and cowboy boots. i always wanted to be Kelly. Jacklyn Smith was gorgeous, sultry and graceful, she also had great hair; elegantly feathered but not over-done like some Angels. i never quite got everyone's fascination with Jill; Farrah was all teeth and hair. i was never Kelly though, i was a too much Sabrina: homely, brainy and swathed in polyester double-knits. poor Kate Jackson. does anyone know whatever happened to her after the Scarecrow & Mrs. King?

.

"Angels are like diamonds. They can't be made, you have to find them. Each one is unique"~ Jaclyn Smith