It Can Get Better

A few weeks ago, a friend updated his Facebook status to say:

“I am so sick of all the ‘stop the hate. Together’ and associated ‘it gets better’ bullshit. Enough with the pussification of america. How about ‘sometimes it sucks’ and ‘stick up for youself’ and ‘don’t be a coward’ hate and bullying are a lot older than any of us and cannot be stopped. Teach independence, not cowardice”.

Naturally, I was outraged. A few weeks later, I posted a link to Unicorn Booty’s article on the suicide of Jamie Hubley with the comment “he shoulda just manned up, right” and his response was:

“Well, he did want to be a unicorn. Self cutting? Suicide blogs? Where’s mom and dad? Sad, yes, but necessary, no. I was the only out gay kid in HS and I got out and graduated in 3 years rather than taking a swan dive off a bridge. My point is, there are options other than suicide. Now it seems almost fashionable, which, in my opinion, only increases the level of cowardice of the act”.

again, I was outraged...but a little less so... See, on one hand he’s right. Where were this kid’s parents? Teachers? Didn’t his doctor/pediatrician notice the kid was cutting himself?

That said, I continued with the outrage…

I thought of my own adolescence and whether or not hearing someone tell me that “it gets better” would’ve helped and I can’t really say for certain.  My pre-coming out experience was slightly different than most. The very few times I was bullied, it wasn’t because I was gay. I was bullied for being the kinda brainy, fat kid, with glasses who didn’t quite get what all the fuss over basketball, baseball, football, cars and pro-wrestling* was; I was teased for being different. I remember, distinctly, coming home from grammar school and crying to my mom about how much I hated not “getting it” and that no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t.  okay, so maybe…in the grand scheme…I was bullied for being gay but, thinking, back the word “gay” never came up; in retrospect, I was just a unicorn who didn’t fit in amongst the clyesdales and, I’m not going to lie, I really thought about killing myself over it (in the fifth grade).

In high school it was different, only for the fact that I was mostly, invisible. I had my small circle of friends that understood me and it was only the rare times when I tried to venture outside that circle** that I got teased; looking back, it wasn’t about my being gay. Nobody knew I was gay or, if they did, they didn’t mention it to me. The only kids that I distinctly remember being picked on for being gay, were the ones who set off even Helen Keller’s gaydar; kids like “Gay Ray” who, though he never confirmed he was gay, had a lisp which sounded like a radio trying to tune in and sang in the school choir. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to end up like Ray: teased and occasionally smacked around because I couldn’t “pass”. I was able to slip by and was thankful that I could; all my fear, confusion and angst bubbled under the surface. I’m pretty sure hearing that “it gets better” wouldn’t have helped me or made me feel any less angry (for being born this way) or afraid of what would happen when I did come out.  See, that’s the thing: I knew it was only a matter of time before I did have to tell someone everyone; it was an inevitability that I was trying to prepare myself for but knew I could put off until the time was right***.

Looking  would get better, once I came out. I didn’t actually know anyone who was an out-and-proud homosexual, but I still knew that I was one and that I wasn’t bad or wrong or evil; just lonely. It’s not about kids who are like  I was, though. it’s about the kids who really have no idea that it can get better. The kids who are picked on daily, physically assaulted and mentally tortured, at school and on the internet. Those are the kids that might benefit from being told that it does, indeed, get better. Those are the kids that need to be told and shown that a person can overcome their current situation and reach a place of contentment.

I’m glad Dan’s “It Gets Better” has gotten as huge as it is. I really feel like, if it helps one kid and prevents him (or her) from jumping off a bridge or taking a bottle of pills, than it really is worth it.

Y’know I was thinking of how my friend suggested that these kids should be taught to stick up for themselves and it made me think of something that a (different) friend of mine pointed out to me a while back, during our bar/club hopping days. You almost**** never see a fight in or outside a gay bar or club; there’s drama, sure, but you’re more apt to see a drink thrown into someone’s face before a fist. In my 10 years of clubbing, I don’t think I ever saw one fight. I bring this up because, even as kids, I don’t think we’re apt to resort to violence to solve our problems; even when that problem is violence. I think it’s something that’s hard wired into most of us: use your words. When that doesn’t work, you run like hell and you keep running until you get to where you feel safe.

*though, I did have more than a passing interest in wrestling, but for totally different reasons

** like when I attempted to run for sophomore class president or entered the school talent show; is it any wonder I relate so well to Glee?

*** which wound up being a few years later, in college.

**** except lesbians. Those girls seem to love to throw down.